The 100th joke: March 12th. 
Vicars Beware!

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed derisively. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses.’

‘The kind of people who would name their rottweiler Jesus…’

(With thanks to Corinne Hedgecock  for this one )

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130. September 2nd
Worth the Sacrifice...?

 

(Supplied by Ron Crawley, to whom all fatwahs should be addressed)

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131. September 6th
In the Beginning...

God creates man - soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden.

God says, "I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you, it will be able to converse intelligently on any subject and will never ever complain or argue".

Adam says, "That sounds great".

God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg".

Adam says, "Wow, that's expensive! what can I get for a rib...?

(This one from Kevin Walsh. He's not really sexist...)

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132. September 11th
Vive la Difference!

 

On this page we publish  jokes, cartoons and oddities with a Christian connection, as well as a few that aren't religious. Apologies are unreservedly offered to any individual or publication we have not been able to trace and acknowledge or who would have preferred not to share the joke with a wider public. Apologies likewise tendered to those who are not amused by what they read or see, or who may find any item not entirely politically correct. No apologies to those who feel that a Church website is no place for such things - we are happy to believe that God has a sense of humour, otherwise we would not have created the human race, let alone the people of Saint Faith's....

Links to other sources of religious humour will follow as and when discovered. If you have a joke - or a source of humour - you would like to share, then please get in touch.

Click here to access a collection of curious items reprinted from our parish magazine or found elsewhere

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there any time I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but
it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

(Internet circulation via Fiona Whalley, St Faith's Church)

Some time after the Ark landed, God was in touch with Noah again. To Noah’s surprise, he was asked to build a second craft.

Would it be the same as the first one, Noah enquired.

‘No, this one is special – it’s just for fish.’ God answered.

‘For fish?’ Noah asked. ‘Any particular sort of fish?’

‘Yes, indeed, Noah,’ came the reply. For carp.’

‘I see, said Noah, who didn’t really see at all. ‘Any special construction requirements?

‘I want a hold, at least ten decks, and an upper deck at the top. It has to be a multi-storey carp ark..’

(Internet circulation , courtesy of Dr Denis Griffiths)

There is a knock on St Peter’s door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A short time later there’s another knock. St Peter goes to the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.

‘Hey, are you playing games with me?’ St Peter calls after him when this all happens a third time.

‘No,’ the man's distant voice replies anxiously. ‘They’re trying to resuscitate me!’

(Contributed by Susie Greenwood, St Faith's)

Gladys Dunn was new to the area and decided to visit the church nearest to her new home. She enjoyed the service, the fine church and the lovely music by the choir, but the sermon that morning went on, and on, and on. Worse, it wasn’t even very interesting. Glancing round, she saw more than one person in the congregation nodding off. Finally it was over.

After the service, she turned to a still sleepy-looking gentleman next to her, extended her hand, and said, ‘I’m Gladys Dunn.’

‘Me too!’ he replied.

(From the magazine of St Mary the Virgin, Davyhulme, Manchester)
 

Three compelling arguments for believing that Jesus was really a woman:

 He had to feed a crowd at a moment’ notice when there was no food.
 He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’tget it.
 Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do....

(Internet circulation, supplied by Christine Spence)

I was walking across a bridge the other day and saw a man about to jump.
I said, ‘Stop! Don’t do it.’
‘Why shouldn’t I?' he asked.
‘Well, are you a Christian?’ I asked.
He said: ‘Yes.’
I said, ‘Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?’
‘Protestant’.
‘Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?’
‘Baptist.’
‘Wow! Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?’
‘Baptist Church of God.’
‘Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?’
‘I’m Reformed Baptist Church of God.’
‘Amazing. Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?
He said, ‘Reformation of 1915.’
I said, ‘Die, heretic scum,’ and pushed him off the bridge….

(Origin uncertain, but clearly American. We're far less narrow-minded...)
 

(Not a spoof, but a genuine catalogue offer. Not a joke either, but certainly the oddest possible tribute to the late Supreme Pontiff...)

A rather self-important Bishop visited one of his churches to preach and was dismayed to find only a handful of people in the congregation.

'I say, my man,' he said to the vicar. 'Didn't you tell them I was coming here today?'

'No, my Lord,' replied the vicar. 'And I can't think who did...!'

(Origin unknown)

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her last moments on earth more comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused, so one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Then, remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and, before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

'Mother,' the nuns asked earnestly, 'Please give us some final wisdom before you die.'

Mother Superior raised herself slowly up in bed and, with a pious look on her face, said: 'Don't sell that cow!'

(Origin unknown)

(The ''prize-winning cartoonist of the 'Daily Telegraph' comments wryly on the CofE's latest compromise on the gay issue)

A man was caught in a flood. Two men came by in a boat to rescue him, but he waved them away, shouting, ‘No, the Lord will save me.’

One hour later another boat cam along, but again the man said, ‘No, the Lord will save me.’

Eventually a helicopter arrived but the man insisted, ‘The Lord will save me.’

Inevitably, the man drowned and, at the gates of heaven, he asked St Peter, ‘Why didn’t the Lord save me?’

For heaven’s sake,’ St Peter replied. ‘He sent two boats and a helicopter –what more did you want?’

(From the magazine of St Mary the Virgin, Davyhulme)
 

(see No 14: on this issue even The Times is not immune from caustic cartoon comment...)

Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing ‘Put Me In My Little Bed’ accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with ‘Little Drops of Water’. One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

(Probably mostly apocryphal, but worth repeating...)

All things bright and beautiful
All creatures great and small
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all.
But what we never mention
Though gardeners know it's true
Is when he made the goodies
He made the baddies too.
All things spray and squattable
Disasters great and small
All things paraquatable,
The Lord God made them all.
The greenfly on the roses
The maggots in the peas
Manure that fills our noses,
He also gave us these.
The fungus on the goose-gogs
The clubroot on the greens
The slugs that eat the lettuce
And chew the aubergines.
The drought that kills the fuchsias
The frost that nips the buds
The rain that drowns the seedlings
The blight that hits the spuds.
The midges and mosquitoes
The nettles and the weeds
The pigeons in the green stuff
The sparrows on the seeds.
The fly that gets the carrots
The wasp that eats the plums
How black the gardener's outlook
Though green may be his thumbs.
But still we gardeners labour
Midst vegetables and flowers
And pray what hits the neighbours
Will somehow bypass ours!

(A gentle parody for the height of the summer season...)

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, ‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.’ ’What type of bra?’ asked the clerk. ‘Type?’ inquires the man. ‘There’s more than one type?’ ‘Look around,’ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bra to choose from.’ Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied, ‘There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?’

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, ‘It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. And the Baptist makes mountains out of molehills.’

(Supplied for Newslink by Mike Broom)

('Prospect' magazine offers excellent prospects for fast-track internet surfers)

A Vicar, a Rabbi and a Priest walk into a bar. The barmaid says: 'Is this some kind of joke?'

(a very short joke after a long absence. I'm running out of material...)

29th September
23. Gone to Pot...?

(Specially drawn for 'Good News' magazine by McNeill)

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

(Internet religious jokes resource: one of the repeatable ones...)

10th October
25. Many a True Word....

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

(Source unknown, but relevance unquestionable...)

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19th October
26.  The W.C.

An English titled lady was suffering from a nervous breakdown. Having been recommended to stay in a German village in the mountains, she went to enquire as to lodgings, and knowing no German, she secured the assistance of the local schoolmaster, who had a smattering of English.

Having secured what she wanted, she returned home but remembered that she had omitted to enquire if there was a W.C, attached to the house. She therefore wrote for full particulars of the W.C., but as the host had never heard of the abbreviation he did not understand it, so consulted the local priest who also knew a little English. He came to the conclusion that the lady wished to know where the Wesleyan Church was situated, and wrote the following letter.

Your Ladyship,

The W.C. is situated about 7 miles from your ladyship's lodgings, in the centre of a pine forest amidst lovely surroundings, and it is open on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. This is rather unfortunate if you are in the habit of going regularly, but you will be pleased to know that numbers of people take their lunches with them and make a day of it.

As there are a number of visitors during the summer, I would advise you to go early. The accommodation is excellent and there are 80 seats.

The bell will ring before the W.C. opens and I should advise you to pay a visit to the W.C. on Thursdays when there is an organ accompaniment. The accoustics of the W.C. are excellent and the most delicate sounds are audible.

I should be delighted to reserve the best seat for you and have the honour of sitting with you.

P.S. Hymn sheets will be provided at the door but MUST be returned after use. My wife and I have not been for six months, and it has pained us a great deal, for it is a long way off.

(Rcently received in this version: a variant of an earlier version long in circulation)

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October 24th
27. A Dead Cert!

A man went to Chester races and noticed a priest in the paddock watching the horses before each race. Every now and again he gave a blessing to one of the horses. When the race was over the man realised that that particular horse had won – and the same thing happened in the next four races.

The man said, “I’m not going to let this priest out of my sight.  I’m going to back the horse he blesses.” In due course a horse came past the priest and he gave it an extra large blessing. Immediately the man ran to the bookie and placed £20 on it at 100 to 1. The race started and the horse shot out of the stalls and was in the lead. Then it got to the last furlong, fell and had to be shot.

The man found the priest and said. “Father, why didn’t that one come in first?” The priest calmly said, “My son, are you a Catholic?” “No, Father.” “That explains it,” said the priest, “You obviously don’t know the difference between a blessing and the last rites!”

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November 1st
28. The Nun's Story

Two nuns were driving through Transylvania when all of a sudden Dracula appeared in front of them causing them to make a sudden stop!

One of the nuns says to the other one, "Quick show him your Cross!"

So the other nun winds down the car window and yells, "Get out of the way you toothy moron!"

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November 9th
29. The Irish Virus

(With routine apologies to the Irish. Not really a religious joke, but I couldn't resist it)

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30. November 10th
Taken for a Ride?

A taxi driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her, so she asks him why he is staring.

He replies "I have a request, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Of course, you have to be single and you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says " Yes, I'm single and Catholic!".  "O.K." the nun says. "Pull into the next lay-by", and she fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make anyone blush.  But when they get back on the road, the taxi driver starts crying.

"My dear child" said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I have sinned." sobbed the cab driver. "I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

 "That's O.K.,' said the nun. 'My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party!"

(The responsibility of Ron Crawley)

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31. November 14th
Scrabbling around....

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32. November 20th
Divine Definitions

Abattoir
Three in a bed at a monastery
Acolyte
Easy listening clarinet music
Arcane
Liverpool bamboo
Aspire
Pointy bit on a church
Baptist
A junior hamburger chef
Beatitude
Stroppy mood common in teenage insects
Curate
A doctor
Damnation
Holland
Hebrew
Jewish teabag
Jihad
The cry of the fundamentalist cowboy
Merciful
Liverpool's flooded
Mosquito
A tiny place of Muslim worship
Vespa
Evensong on a scooter

(Extracts from the Uxbridge English Dictionary, courtesy of Kari Dodson)

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33. November 29th
The Power of Prayer?

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way.
So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me... and I got it!

(Emo Philips, quoted in 'The Times'. He also claims to be the author of joke No 10, above!)

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34. December 12th
Musical Reflections

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35. December 15th
Spot the Difference?

What's the difference... between Jurassic Park and the Church of England?

One is a fantasy land full of dinosaurs...and the other is a blockbuster movie.

(Thanks to Ron Crawley)

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36. December 20th
Divine Democracy

The minister of a Baptist church decides that God is calling the church to a new vision of what it is to be and to do. So at the Elders' Meeting, he presents the new vision with as much energy, conviction and passion as he can muster. When he had finished and sat down, the chair of the meeting called for a vote. All 14 elders voted against the new vision, with only the minister voting for it.

'Well, pastor, it looks like you will have to think again,' says the chairman. 'Would you like to close the meeting in prayer?'

So the minister stands up, raises his hand to heaven, and prays, 'Lord, will you not show these people that this is not MY vision but it is YOUR vision!

At that moment, the clouds darken, thunder rolls, and a streak of lightning bursts through the window and strikes in two the table at which they are sitting, throwing the minister and all the elders to the ground.

After a moment's silence, as they all get up and dust themselves off, the chairman speaks again.

'Well, that's fourteen votes to two then...'

(Thanks to Ron Crawley again)

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37. December 22nd
P.C. Christmas

Politically-correct Christmas greeting

Please accept with no obligation, implicit or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with total respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, and their choice not to practise religious or secular traditions at all... and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great (not to imply the Britain is necessarily greater than any other country nor is it the only "BRITAIN" in the northern hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, sexual orientation and choice of computer platform of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wishee actually to implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

(Classic FM website)

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38. December 25th
Super Saver

(Courtesy of 'Prospect' magazine - accompanying a serious article on the pensions crisis...)

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39. December 31st
Life's a Beach

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40. January 3rd
Making Light Work...

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

… It depends on the denomination:

Charismatics.       Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostals.        Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians.      None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Episcopalians.      Eight. One to change the light bulb and seven to say they liked the old one better.
Lutherans.           None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Salvation Army.  None. The lights are on but no-one is at home.
Quakers.             What's a light bulb?
Anglicans.           Can't be done without a faculty, a health and safety committee meeting, qualified electricians with tower scaffolds, safety harness                       and £5 million insurance cover.

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41. January 7th
The Long Drop

There were these three trainee padres undergoing assessment, who were told they had to undertake a parachute drop. They could refuse, but were urged to take the plunge and identify with the life of a soldier.

Up in the plane, the R.C. trainee waited for the green light. When the sergeant signalled him, he stood still. The sergeant touched his shoulder and said: 'The cardinal orders you to jump'. He jumped.

The Free Church minister likewise froze. The sergeant leant forward and said: 'Your congregation wills you to jump'. He jumped.

Finally the Anglican was called forward - and he too froze at the doorway. The canny sergeant shouted across to him: 'Your bishop absolutely forbids you to jump!'

He jumped.

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42. January 13th

Medical Mayhem

When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on adding a new wing to the local hospital, the Allergists voted top scratch the idea and the Dermatologists wanted no rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling that it was an inside job, the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were labouring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted, the Pathologists protested 'Over my dead body!' while the Paediatricians said 'Grow up!' The Psychiatrists thought it was madness, the Surgeons wanted to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Radiologists said they could see right through it. 

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic Surgeons said that recent events had put a whole new face on the matter. The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme would not hold water.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea lacked sensitivity, but the Cardiologists did not have the heart to protest. Finally, the Proctologists told the Manager that they were sick of the whole thing, that he should pull his finger out and put an end to the matter.

(With thanks for both these items to Jane Pitts, St Peter's, Formby, magazine)

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43. January 20th
Somebody tell the Pope!

In the Year of 1981:
Prince Charles got married
Liverpool F.C. were crowned Champions of Europe
Australia lost the Ashes tournament
The Pope died

In the Year of 2005:
Prince Charles got married
Liverpool F.C. were crowned Champions of Europe
Australia lost the Ashes tournament
The Pope died

So, if  Prince Charles ever decides to remarry, will somebody please warn the Pope...?

(internet circulation, courtesy of Fr Neil Kelley)

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44. January 24th
Bulletin Bloomers

These sentences allegedy appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services ...

• The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water."  The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."

• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8.00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.  Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

• Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

• Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

(Internet circulation again, courtesy of Mike Broome. Probably apocryphal, but who cares...?)

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45. January 27th
More Bulletin Bloomers

• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

• Scouts are saving aluminium-cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

(The same blame)

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46. January 30th
Sick as a Parrot...?

A chap was given a gift of a parrot with a very bad attitude. Every word out of its mouth was laced with enough foul language and profanity to make the vicar blush. He tried all he could to change its attitude by playing soft music and saying polite words but nothing worked.

Finally, after yelling at the bird, he lost his cool entirely and put the bird in the freezer. He heard it squawk and scream and swear… then suddenly there was quiet. The man opened the door, fearing he had hurt the bird, and the parrot calmly stepped out on to his outstretched arm.

‘I believe I may have offended you with my rude language,’ the bird declared. ‘I am so sorry and will do my best to correct my poor behaviour’. The astonished man was about to ask the parrot what on earth had brought about this change of behaviour when the bird spoke again.

‘May I ask,’ he enquired, ‘exactly what that chicken did to upset you?’

(From the magazine of St Mary the Virgin, Davyhulme, Manchester)

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45. February 2nd
More Bulletin Bloomers

• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours."

(as before... this is the final batch!)

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46. February 6th
The Wind of Change

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says " I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

(Internet circulation, thanks to Fiona Whalley)

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47. February 11th
Flight of Fancy

(Daily Telegraph)
 

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48. March 10th
Oldies Rule O.K.

A woman is as young as her knees Mary Quant
It is better to be 70 years young than 40 years old Oliver Wendell Holmes
A salesman, replacing my boiler, told me: ‘The makers will tell you this boiler will give 25 years’ service. He looked up , hesitated, and continued, ‘But of course to you that would not be a selling point.’ Kenneth Bruce, 78
I’m at an age when if I drop a fiver in the collection plate, it’s not a donation, it’s an investment. Ralph Layton
Old age is when you know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
After Sunday School my granddaughter said thoughtfully: ‘Granddad, were you in the Ark?’ ‘Of course not!’ I replied. ‘Then why weren’t you drowned?’ James Potter
I can still enjoy sex at 75. I live at 76, so it’s no distance Bob Monkhouse
What if the hokey cokey really is what it’s all about? Bob Monkhouse
It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
In Liverpool the difference between a funeral and a wedding is one less drunk. Paul O’Grady
I do benefit performances for all religions. I’d hate to lose out on a technicality. Bob Hope

He who laughs, lasts Mary Pettibone Poole

(from Wrinklies' Wit and Wisdom: irreverent observations on growing old)
 

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49. March 13th
Tasteless joke for Lent

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint..
(Emo Philips,  supplied by Fr Dennis)

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50. March 16th
Mourning Walk

A man was walking through the cemetery when he met another man with a dog on a lead.

'Morning', he said to the man.

'No, just walking the dog,'  said the  man.

(Thanks to Joe Orford for this one)

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51. March 21st
The Benefits of Coffee

A Mormon told me that they didn’t drink coffee.

I said, ‘My friend, a cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits.’

He said, ‘Like what?’ I said, ‘Well, it keeps you from being a Mormon.’

(Another one from Emo Phillips. Apologis to any Mormons, who  may subsitute the denomination of their choice

---

52. March 24th
Only Here for the Beer?

Two nuns were shopping in a supermarket and happened to be passing the wine and spirit section. One asks the other  if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that that would be good, but that she would feel uncomfortable about  purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cash out.  

The assistant had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is for washing our hair."  

The assistant, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the  beer. "There you are, sister," she said, "don't forget the curlers."

(Blame Ron Crawley for this one) 

---

53. April 3rd
The Outsize Birth

The Vicar, a forgetful chap, wne to London to buy a banner for the Mothers' Union. He could not remember either the wording or the size, so he sent a telegram to his wife asking for the details.

When he returned to the Post Office for the reply, the girl, looking very shaken, silently handed him the reply:

'Unto us a son is born stop. Four feet by nine feet stop. Top half red, bottom black stop. Love Mary.'

(Ron again!)

---

54. April 4th
Is there a Dog?

Q. What do you do if you're an insomniac agnostic dyslexic?

A. Stay up all night wondering if there's a dog.

(St Peter's Formby, church magazine)

---

55. April 7th
Lavatory Humour

(Prospect Magazine)

---

55. April 10th
Holding the Line in Hell

(Prospect magazine again)

---

56 April 12th
The Naked Truth?

The old priest had a large pond surrounded by apple and pear trees at the far end of the church property.  One warm evening, the he decided to have a leisurely walk through the orchard and down to the pond as he  hadn't been there for a while.  He grabbed a bucket so he could bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women  skinny-dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence. At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave." 

The vicar frowned and said, "I did not come down here to watch you young  ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."  Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

---

57 April 15th
Nuts to the Vicar

Thje vicar visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. 'Mind if I hav a few?' he asks.

'No, not at all!' the woman replies.

They talk for an hour and as the vicar stands to leave, he realises that he has emoptied the bowl.

'Terribly sorry for scoffing all your peanuts, my dear. I really only meant to eat a few.'

'Oh, that's all right,' the woman says. 'Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them...'

(from 'A Barrel of Fun' by J.John and Mark Stibbe, Monarch Books)

---

58. April 22nd
The Bear Necessities

A Roman Catholic priest, a Pentecostalist minister and a Jewish rabbi each claimed to be the best at converting people to their faith. To settle things they each agreed to tackle a wild grizzly bear and report back...

A week later, the priest staggered in, scratched and bruised but triumphant. 'It was tough, but I did it!' he said. 'I sprinkled him with holy water, said the rosary over him and in the end he calmed down and knelt for a blessing.'

The Pentecostalist was next: he too was battered and scarred but exultant. 'I did it, praise the Lord! he declared. 'I don't hold with this sprinkling business, but we prayed together at the mercy seat and I expounded the scriptures to him and he behaved like a little newborn lamb.'

The rabbi was wheeled in on a stretcher - leg in plaster, arm in a splint and face badly mauled. 'I think on reflection it wasn't a good idea to start with the circumcision,' he said thoughtfully.

(From a version submitted by  Ron Crawley)

---

59 April 25th
Judgement Day

Judge to prisoner in the dock at Liverpool Crown Court: 'Wouldn't you like a lawyer to defend you?'

Prisoner: 'There's no need. The Lord is my defender.'

Judge: 'I think you'd do better to have someone known locally.'

(A Bucket of Surprises)

---

60. April 30th
That's the Spirit!

The teetotal vicar held up two glasses in the pulpit, and explained that one contained water and the other gin. He produced a wormn and dropped it in the water, where it wriggled about happily enough. Rescuing the worm, he dropped it in the gin, where it instantly expired.

Turning to the congregation, he asked: 'Well now my friends, what does this teach us?'

A voice came from the back of church. 'If you drink gin you won't get worms!'

(Origin unknown)

---

 
61. May 4th
Hoots, mon!

The new hospital chaplain is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of gloomy-looking patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies, "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As lang's my airm."

The chaplain is confused, so he just smiles and moves on to the next patient. The unsmiling patient stares at him and says, "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and with a forced grin, the priest moves on to the next sad-looking patient, who immediately begins to chant, "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, the chaplain turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit."

(Thanks to Fr Peter Cavanagh)

---

62. 14th May
Just Whisper in my Ear, Son

A woman and her four-year-old son were at church. Her son suddenly said, far too loudly, 'Mummy, I have to have a pee!'

She said, rather embarrassed, 'Shh, we don't say that. We say "I have to whisper".'

'O.K. Mummy,' said the little lad.

The very next week his father took the little boy to church. Towards the end of the service the lad leaned over and said, 'Daddy, I have to whisper.'

'That's fine,' said his dad. 'Just whisper in my ear...'

(Thanks to 'A Bucket of Surprises')

---

63. 29th May
The Very Important Passenger

Billy Graham was returning home after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrived at the airport, there was a long black limousine to transport him. 
Just as he was about to get in the back of the limo, he stopped. He whispered to the driver who was holding the door open for him. "You know," he  said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine.  Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have a go." Billy got into the driver's seat and they headed out to the motorway. 

Lurking behind an exit ramp a short distance from the airport sat a rookie traffic cop operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 40 mph zone. The cop pulled out in pursuit and easily caught the limo. He pulled up behind, got out and walked up to the driver's door. When the window was rolled down, he was very surprised to see who was driving. Trying desperately to maintain his professional attitude, he immediately excused himself and walked back to his car and called his sergeant.

He told the sergeant, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the Chief Constable?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the Queen."

The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur."


(With thanks to Ron Crawley)

---

64. June 9th
Mark this!

The vicar told his congregation: 'Next Sunday my sermon will be on the sin of lying. To prepare yourselves please read the seventeenth chapter of Mark's Gospel.'

The following Sunday arrived and he asked: 'How many of you read the seventeenth chapter of Mark?'

Most of the congregation raised their hands.

'Good,' he replied. 'There are only sixteen chapters in Mark. Now for the sermon on the sin of lying...'

(A Bucket of Surprises)

---

65. June 14th
Shaggy Dog Story

A fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentalist Christian pet. So they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

(Another of Ron Crawley's!)

---

66. June 20th
Blanket coverage

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has just the one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later still...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

(Another of Ron Crawley's!)

---

67. June 29th
By Hook or by Crook

(from the magazine of St John the Baptist, Great Meols)

---

68. July 16th
A Bit of a Headache...

God said to Adam, "Go down into that valley."
And Adam said, "What's a valley?" and God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river"
And Adam said "What's a river?" and God explained it to him.

And then God said, "Go over the hill."
And Adam said, "What's a hill?" and God explained it to him.

Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave."
And Adam said, "What's a cave?" And God explained that to him.

"In the cave you will find a woman."
And Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him.

So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back.
God said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

(Thanks to Ron Crawley, who dared me to use this one...!)

---

69. July 31st
'There I Was...'

---

70. August 4th
Keeping everyone happy?

'In order to accommodate all religions, we're going to sacrifice
Derek, the school hamster, to Zarg, Lord of Darkness, after school'

Courtesy of 'The Oldie'

---

71. August 13th
Deathbed Conversion?

A Jew was on his death bed, and was asked if he had any last rewuests.

Bring me a Christian priest, I want to convert,' he said.

Why ever would you wish to do that/' he was asked.

Better one of them should die than one of us...'

(BBC Heaven and Earth show, August 13th)

---

 
72. August 15th

Celebrating the Difference

After being shipwrecked on a desert island for twenty years, a Scotsman was picked up by a passing ship. The Captain gazed over at the island, seeing two churches at opposite ends of the island, and asked, ‘How many of you are there on this island?’

‘Just me.’ replied the man.

‘Well then why have you built two churches, man?’

‘’Aye, well yon’s the one I refuse to worship at,’ came the reply.

(BBC Heaven and Earth show, 13th August)

---

73. August 16th
Ringing the Changes

(Daily Telegraph: at the height of the phone tapping controversy)

---

74. August 20th
Honk if you love Jesus

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"  What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

(internet circulation) 

---

75. August 27th
For Better, for Worse...?


'Can I ask the audience?'

(from 'The Oldie' magazine)

---

76. September 9th
Dead Scary

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologised and said, "I didn't realise that a little tap would scare you so much."

"The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a  hearse for the last
25 years."

---

77. September 18th
As Good a Reason as Any...

At a mass at which three nuns were taking their final vows, the presiding bishop noticed two Jewish rabbis enter the church just before the service began. They insisted on sitting on the right side of the church.

After the service, the Bishop's curiosity got the better of him. He welcomed the two rabbis during the announcements and asked why they had chosen to be present at this occasion where the three nuns were to become 'Brides of Christ'.

One of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained: 'Family of the Groom'.

('A Bucket of Surprises')

---

78. September 25th
Nobody's Perfect

The preacher was sounding off from the pulpit. 'Nobody is perfect,' he said. 'Hands up anyone here who is perfect.'

There was no response from the congregation, so he tried again. 'Hands up anyone who is perfect.'

A little man towards the back slowly raised his hand.

'Are you telling me you're perfect?' asked the preacher.

'No, I'm speaking on behalf of my wife's first husband,' came the reply.

(As told by Bishop Bill Ind in 'A Country Parish')

---

79. September 30th
Many a True Word...?

(Church Times, September 1st)

---

80. October 12th
Living in Sin!

(Matt in the Daily Telegraph, October 12th, 2006, with his usual wry look at the current headlines)

---

81. October 22nd
The Soul Occupants?

A man arrives at the gates of heaven, St Peter asks, "Religion ?" The man replies "Methodist."

St Peter looks down his list and says: "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the pearly gates and St Peter asks, "Religion ?" The man replies "Baptist."

St Peter says: "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates and is asked, "Religion ?" "Jewish," he replies. He is told to go to room 11 and, as before, to be quiet as he passes room 8.

The man says "I can understand why there are different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet as I pass room 8 ?"

St Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they are the only ones here."

(Supplied by Kevin Walsh. Denominations are of course interchangeable to taste!)

---

82. October 25th
What Sweeter Music?

The parish priest was having an awful time with his congregation - and vene more so with his music department - and finally decided to pack it in and leave.
 
At the close of the next Sunday morning service he announced, "Some years ago Jesus brought me to this congregation. Jesus is now taking me away from it."

With those remarks he sat down somewhat abruptly and it was left to the organist to announce the closing hymn.

"How appropriate," he commented, "that we sing hymn number 104 - 'What a friend we have in Jesus.'

(Supplied by Ron Crawley)

---

83. November 3rd
Church Mouse?

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart;
All of his commands are user-friendly.
His directory guides me to the right choices for his name’s sake.

Even though I scroll through the problems of life,
I will fear no bugs, for He is my back-up.
His password protects me.
He prepares a menu before me in the presence of my enemies.
His help is only a keystroke away.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life;
And my files will be merged with His and saved forever.

(from the magazine of Crowhurst Christian Healing Centre)

---

84. November 11th
The Run-down Lawyer

A lorry driver had a habit, whenever he saw a lawyer on the side of the road, of swerving to hit him. He got no greater pleasure out of life than the sound of the lawyer going 'thump-thump' underneath his wheels.

One day, he saw a happy, smiling priest standing on the side of the road. Being a good Samaritan, he pulled over and said, "Father, do you need a lift?"

"Why, yes, thank you."  The little priest climbs up into the cab, and the truck driver headed off. After a short while, he saw a lawyer on the side of the road, and out of habit swerved towards him. Suddenly, he remembered he had a holy man next to him and he frantically tried to avoid hitting the lawyer.

'Thump,' came the ominous sound nevertheless. "Father, I, uh, I think I came close to hitting that lawyer back there," confessed the driver.

 "Oh, don't worry," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

(another from Ron Crawley. Professions interchangeable, of course...)

---

85. November 13th
Ego te absolvo?

An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would..

"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!"

"It gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favours."

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would both have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."

"Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

(Ron Crawley dared me to put this one online...)

---

86. November 21st
Lift High the Cross?

(The Daily Telegraph's prize-winning cartoonist hits the spot once again.)

---

86. November 24th
B****** Airways?

(Matt continues to put the boot in to a certain airline)

---

87. November 27th
More than a Match...

A vicar was walking down the High Street when he saw a man in an army trench coat selling matches from a tray around his neck. The sign read: ‘Please help a Falklands veteran’. The patriotic priest, wanting to help one of our brave lads who risked his life defending freedom in that far-off land, gave a most generous donation.

The soldier, overcome by such generosity, touched his cap and said in a choking voice: ‘Muchas Gracias, Senor’…. 

(Supplied by the indefatigable Ron Crawley)

---

87. November 27th
Standing up for Jesus

The vicar was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with even more money than they were expecting to pay the Diocesan quota next year. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the organist was sick and a stand-in had been brought in at the last minute. The new organist wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," the vicar said. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement at the end about the finances."

After the service, the vicar gravely announced: 'My friends, we are in great difficulty; the the quota has gone up twice as much as we expected and we need £4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge £100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the new organist played "God save the Queen".

And that is how the new organist became the permanent organist.

(Ron Crawley strikes again!)

---

88. December 18th
Upstaging the Pontiff

The Pope arrives at the gates of heaven at the same time as a lawyer. To his amazement, the heavenly host rush out, cheering and singing ‘Alleluia’ and carry the lawyer shoulder-high through the gates.

Puzzled and disappointed, the Pope asks St Peter why no-one has greeted him.

‘Don’t worry,’ said Peter. We get Popes in here pretty often, but a lawyer is something really special…’

(Internet source: to avoid litigation, substitute profession of choice)

---

89. December 20th
Bishop Bashing?

(Matt of the Daily Telegraph takes a swipe at a forgetful prelate)

---

90. January 2nd, 2007
Holey, Holey, Holey?

St Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by, catching his attention he asked, "Could you mind the Pearly Gates for a short while, I need to go on a message?"  Jesus replied, "Certainly, what do I have to do?"
 
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family and their lives. Then decide if they are worthy to enter Heaven."
 
"Sounds easy enough, OK."  So Jesus waited at the gates while St Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man.
 
Jesus summoned him to the table and sitting across from him asked, "What was it you did for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leant forward, " Did you have any family ?" he asked.
 
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
 
Jesus leaned forward a bit more, "You lost your son? can you tell me about him?"
 
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
 
Jesus leaned even more forward and whispered "Father?"
 
The old man leant forward and whispered "Pinocchio?"

 
(Blame Kevin Walsh for this one!)

---

91. January 4th
‘Eternal Father, strong to save…’

As the boat was sinking, the Captain raised his voice to ask. ‘Does anyone here know how to pray?’

One man said, ‘Yes, I do. I’m a Vicar.’

‘Good,’ said the Captain. You go ahead and pray while the rest of us put on the life-jackets. We’re one short.’

(with thanks to Ron Crawley)

---

92. February 1st
In her bad books..?

(with thanks to Meols Good News)

---

93. Febrary 3rd, 2007
Bottling Out of Lent

('Parish Pump')

---

94. February 10th
Putting with the Padre

A keen golfing priest is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole of a practice round when another golfer approaches and asks if he can join him. They are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five pounds a hole?"

The priest says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but reluctantly agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off after the eighteenth hole, while counting his £80, he confesses that he's the professional at a neighbouring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The priest then reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church, whereupon the pro gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the priest back his money. The priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, Father, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father along after Mass, I'll marry them for you...."


(Ron Crawley)

---

95. February 26th
 Creature Comforts

A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years, the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.
The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he couldn't have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.

With that, the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop replied, "Yes, that would be nice."

The priest turned around and hollered towards the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

(It's that Ron again...)

---

96. February 28th
Oy Vey Maria?

The teacher was curious to know how her pupils had spent Christmas. She asked Patrick,  who told everyone he and his six brothers went to midnight mass, sand lots of hymns and came home very tired but still managed to put biscuits and milk on the fireplace for Santa and his reindeer. She asked Janice, who said she also went to church with her Mum and Dad, sang lots of carols then went home, hung upo her stocking and went fast asleep to wait for Santa.

Not wanting to make little Isaac Cohen feel left out, she felt she'd better ask him too.

'Well, it's the same thing every year,' said Isaac. ' Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside we look up at all the empty shelves and then we sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus'.

'Then we all fly off to the Bahamas.'

(from the magazine of St John the Baptist, Great Meols, Wirral)

---

97. March 4th
Looking After your Organ

The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. The Vicar came to visit her and was welcomed into her parlour. She invited him to have a seat while she made a cup of tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the vicar noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water, he couldn't help noticing, there floated a condom!

As he sipped his tea and ate his cake, curiosity got the better of the vicar so he pointed to the bowl and said, "Agatha, I wonder if you could tell me about this."
 
"Oh yes, isn't it wonderful?" she replied. "I found this little package in the churchyard last autumn. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter!"

(Blame Mike Foy for this one)

---

98. March 8th
Dropping a Clanger

The vicar was surprised when a man with no arms asked if he could ring the church bells. The vicar wondered how he was going to manage the bell ropes, but the man explained that he would climb up to the bells and ring them with his head.

He went up to the bell tower and banged his head against one of the bells. Getting really carried away, he banged it again and again and finally rammed his face against it. Overcome with excitement, he overbalanced and fell to the ground in a heap. A crowd gathered as the vicar climbed down. ‘How dreadful,’ said one onlooker. ‘Do you know who he is, Vicar?’

‘I don’t know his name,’ said the vicar, ‘but his face certainly rings a bell…’


(And this one from his young son Matthew!)

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99. March 9th
Slaving Away?

 
(St Peter's Church, Formby, Parish Magazine)

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   The 100th joke: March 12th. 
Vicars Beware!

 'Congregation Beats Up Priest'

Elderly congregation members at a church in South Africa gave their priest the beating of his life after he told them to hand over part of the increase in their pension announced in the recent budget.

Piet Mnisi, the priest of the village of Mvangatini in north-eastern Mpulamanaga Province, said in his sermon that the money was ‘a blessing from God’, the Daily Sun said.

The priest had told the worshippers relatives would die if he did not start receiving the money from next month.

(Thanks to Ken Hollis for this genuine press cutting: not a joke as such but I couldn't resist it!)

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101. March 26th
A Second Clanger!

If you haven't read number 98 above, do so first...

At that very moment, to the vicar's amazement, another man with no arms, the spitting image of the dead man, rushed up and, believe it or not, explained that he was the deceased's twin brother.

'Would it be possible for me to go up and bang the bells in his memory, Father? he asked. 'We always did everything together.'

Reluctantly, the vicar agreed, and the man scuttled up the ladder and  set about bashing the bells. Unbelievably, he too overbalanced and fell to his death far below. The crowds rushed back and asked the distraught priest if he knew who this unfortunate man was.

'Well no,' the vicar said. 'But he's a dead ringer for his brother...'

(As completed by Rick Walker)

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102. March 28th
'Where Did You Get That Hat?

An elderly chap was upset having lost his favourite hat, so, instead of buying a new one, he decided to go into a nearby church and steal one from the cloakroom area. When he got there he was intercepted by a sidesperson and ushered to a pew were he sat for the entire sermon on the Ten Commandments.
 
 At the end of the service the man heartily shook the hand of the priest saying ‘I want to thank you for saving my soul today. I came here to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon I decided against it.’  The priest said, ‘Was it the commandment, “Thou shall not steal” that changed your mind?’
 
‘No,’ the man replied. ‘It was the one about adultery. As soon as you said that, I remembered where I'd left my hat.’

(This one is Kevin Walsh's fault)

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103. March 31st

How Moses got the 10 Commandments....

 

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested"
 
God went to the Africans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Africans wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour thy Father and Mother. "
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."
 
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
 
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
 
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
 

(Ron Crawley again: he thinks it ought to offend just about everybody...!)

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104. April 4th

Taking the......?

 
Sister Mary, who worked as a District Nurse, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of petrol. As luck would have it, a petrol station was just around the corner. She walked there to borrow a petrol can and buy some petrol, but the attendant told her that the only can he owned had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something to fill with petrol and spotted the bedpan she was taking to her patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the garage, filled it with petrol, and carried the full pan back to her car.

As she was pouring the petrol into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said: 'If it starts I'm turning Catholic!'

(Thanks again to Ron Crawley)

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105. April 5th

Candid Camera!

Peter Stokes, of St Faith's, Harborne, Birmingham has supplied me with a link to a page on the ubiqutious 'youtube' website.
CLICK HERE for a selection of church mishaps!

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106. April 12th

The Peace of Cod that Passeth all Understanding?

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.  Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
 
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
 
Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
 
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail (not a prawn cocktail).  Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.
 
"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
 
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
 
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
 
Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed...I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".
 
(an ancient, fishy tale from Ron Crawley)

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107. April 21st

A Marriage made in Heaven...

On their way to a church to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. They found themselves sitting outside Heaven's gate waiting for St.Peter to meet them. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally turned up and they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out." and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer...for a couple of months...and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"

St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking some what bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."

"Great,” said the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?", asked the frightened couple.

"COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?"
 
(yet another groaner from Ron Crawley)

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108. April 28th

Thou Shalt Not.....

(Courtesy of 'the Oldie' magazine)

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109. May 1st

Keeping Death Off the Roads

A group of very senior retired clergymen was sitting around talking about their ailments:

“My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another went on.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old vicar as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one man cheerfully. “Thank God we can all still drive!”

 (Supplied by ‘Guffitt’)

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110. May 5th

The Old Ones Are The Best.....

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and is treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted. After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.

The first one says, "Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," replies the nun. "I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?"

Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."

She turned to the other Brother and says “then you must be...?"

"Yes, I'm afraid I'm the chip monk."


(so you've heard it before...?)

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111. May 13th

Come back Tony, all is forgiven...?

(an old cartoon recycled for the occasion. Submissions featuring David Cameron, etc, always welcome)

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112. May 19th
Every One a Winner...?

 
Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lottery".

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lottery night comes and Joe still has no luck. Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A TICKET!"

(another ancient one from Ron...)

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113. May 20th
The Pope spells it out

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, he was a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was mourned by the entire world, Catholic or not.
 
As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was no less than St Peter who welcomed him with a firm embrace. "Welcome, your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven. You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything your holiness desires ?"
 
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."
 
St Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of mans relationship with God.
 
Two years later a scream of anguish from the library pierced the halls and rooms of heaven.
 
Immediately numerous saints and angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over....
 
"There's an 'R'!, there IS an 'R' !! the word is celibRate !"
 

(Kevin Walsh apologises for this one)

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114. June 1st
A Right Load of Crooks

(From 'The Oldie' magazine)

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115. June 2nd
The Serpent's Tail

Noah opens up the ark and lets all the animals out, telling them to 'go forth and multiply!'

He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner.

So he says to them: 'Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply.'

'We can't,' said the snakes. 'We're adders.'

Another chestnut from Guffit

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116. June 5th
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

With thanks to Joyce Jones for this unseasonal offering

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117. June 9th
Not Worth the Risk

An elderly husband and wife took a holiday in Jerusalem, whilst there, the wife unfortunately passed away. The local undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for £2500 or you can bury her here for £150".  The man thought about and told the undertaker that he wished to have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why spend £2500 to have her shipped home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and it would only cost £150". 

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, three days later he rose from the dead, I just can't take that risk...'
 
 With thanks to Kevin Walsh

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118. June 24th
The Last Laugh

(Matt confronts the  - allegedly! - racist comedian with a black St Peter. He's probably meant to look Jewish as well...)

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119. June 26th
Not the Watchtower This Time!

(internet provenance)

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120. July 3rd
Return to Sender?

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

‘Daddy, what happened to him?’ he asked.

‘Well, he died and went to heaven,’ the father replied.

The boy thought for a moment and then asked: ‘Why did God throw him back down?’

From the magazine of St Mary the Virgin, Davyhulme

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120. July 10th
The Last Laugh

A priest on his deathbed summoned his doctor and his lawyer. They came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.

They sat in this manner for a long time until finally the doctor spoke up and said "I don't think you've got much time left in this world, Father. You'd better tell us why you asked us to come."

The old priest stirred himself and said, with a wheeze, "Well, the Bible says Jesus died between two thieves, and I've decided that's the way I'd like to go, too."

Internet source

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121. July 12th
Breaking In - To A Laugh

A burglar goes to a house late at night, breaks in and starts robbing it. He is just getting going when he hears a voice say "Jesus is watching you." He stops for a minute, but soon continues on. Again he hears "Jesus is watching you." He discovers the speaker is a large parrot. He smiles to himself and continues on, a third time the parrot says the same thing.

Frustrated the burglar turns around and says, "Be quiet you dumb parrot! What's your name anyhow?" The parrot replies, "Clarence."

The burglar laughs, "What kinda people name their bird Clarence?"

"The same kind who name their rottweiler Jesus!"

 Internet source

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122. July 17th
The Long Trip

A vicar waited in a long queue of cars to get petrol just before a long bank holiday weekend.
 
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of the priest. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
 
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
 
The priest chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

With thanks to Guffitt

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123. July 26th
Here Endeth?

Just as the vicar began his sermon, the electricity in the church failed. The sidesmen found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary.

The vicar re-entered the pulpit, shuffled his notes and muttered, “Now, where was I?”

In the dark at the back of the church, a voice called out, “Right near the end!"

Guffit again!

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124. July 31st
A rose by any other name...?

'Er...sorry about this - but I think I completely misunderstood you on the
telephone when you called to ask permission  to hold a festival in church...'

St John the Baptist, Meols, parish magazine

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125. August 11th
What's in a name?

A priest and lawyer were chatting at a party.
 
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
 
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
 
The priest replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

Back to the usual source...!

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126. August 12th
Ex Cathedra?

('Private Eye' bids farewell to the outgoing incumbent!)

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127. August 28th
A Cut above the Average...

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to have a car-share routine.

On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the vicar lay hands on the bonnet and pray silently.

"What are you doing?" the priest asks.

The vicar looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."

"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.

The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.

"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.

"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and he runs into his synagogue, and he emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the end of the exhaust pipe.


(Ron Crawley is back!)

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128. August 30th
Pretty Please!

...OK... if I promise no-one will sit in your pew, we will only use the 1662 Prayer Book,
only read from the  Authorised Version, only sing the old hymns to the old tunes
and I never preach a long sermon... then will you come back to Church?

('Parish Pump')

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129. August 31st
What's in a Name?

A burglar broke into a house one night. As he was stuffing valuables into his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, ‘Jesus is watching you!’ The burglar froze, petrified.

When nothing happened for a bit, he shook his head and carried on burgling. Suddenly he heard the message again: ‘Jesus is watching you!’ Frantically he shone his torch around, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, the beam came to rest on a parrot.

‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the bird.

‘Yep,’ confessed the parrot, and squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.’

The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? And just who do you think you are?’

‘Moses,’ replied the bird.

‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed derisively. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses.’

‘The kind of people who would name their rottweiler Jesus…’

(With thanks to Corinne Hedgecock  for this one )

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130. September 2nd
Worth the Sacrifice...?

 

(Supplied by Ron Crawley, to whom all fatwahs should be addressed)

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131. September 6th
In the Beginning...

God creates man - soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden.

God says, "I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you, it will be able to converse intelligently on any subject and will never ever complain or argue".

Adam says, "That sounds great".

God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg".

Adam says, "Wow, that's expensive! what can I get for a rib...?

(This one from Kevin Walsh. He's not really sexist...)

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132. September 11th
Vive la Difference!

A little boy was walking down a lane after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl.
"Where are you going?" asked the boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,” answered the girl.
"Me too", replied the boy. "I'm also on my way home from church."
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl.
"What about you?"
"I go to the Methodist church at the top of the hill," replied the little boy. 
They discovered that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together. 
They came to a dip in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet. 
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mum's going to skin me alive," said the little girl. 
"My Mum'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday clothes wet," replied the little boy. 
"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm going to take off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across." 
"That's a good idea," replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked ...
"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist

 (Ron Crawley strikes again)

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132. September 18th
Bless You!

One day while he was at the race course betting on the horses and nearly losing  his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track  and  blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the race.  Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did at the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the horses  lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had  blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the  priest would bless for the next race. Once again the priest blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won!

Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing  horses,  and they always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew  his wildest dreams were going to come true, so he made a quick stop at the cashy machine, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell  him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last  race and this time blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of  the  horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched with great excitement.

The horse come in dead last.

Mitch was  dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he  demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. That last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you,  I've lost all my savings!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants  - you can't tell the diffe ence between a simple blessing and  the Last Rites!"

(An offering from Guffit)

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133. September 29th
Facing up to the end

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!  Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

(And another...)

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134. October 5th
The Power of Prayer?

In a small U.S. Bible Belt town, a business man started building a new strip club. The local Baptist Church started a campaign of payeres and petitions to stop the club from opening. A week before the planned opening, a lightning strike hit the club and it burned to the ground.

The church folk were delighted until the club owner sued them on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of the building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church in response vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection with the  building's demise.

As the case made its way into court, the judge commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but from the paperwork, we have a strip club owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church that doesn't!

(Meols Good News magazine)

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'FunnyYou Should Say That!'

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On this page we publish  jokes, cartoons and oddities with a Christian connection, as well as a few that aren't religious. Apologies are unreservedly offered to any individual or publication we have not been able to trace and acknowledge or who would have preferred not to share the joke with a wider public. Apologies likewise tendered to those who are not amused by what they read or see, or who may find any item not entirely politically correct. No apologies to those who feel that a Church website is no place for such things - we are happy to believe that God has a sense of humour, otherwise we would not have created the human race, let alone the people of Saint Faith's....

Links to other sources of religious humour will follow as and when discovered. If you have a joke - or a source of humour - you would like to share, then please get in touch.

Click here to access a collection of curious items reprinted from our parish magazine or found elsewhere

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25th June 2005
1. A Bridge Too Far?

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there any time I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but
it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

(Internet circulation via Fiona Whalley, St Faith's Church)

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27th June, 2005
2. Fishy Story

Some time after the Ark landed, God was in touch with Noah again. To Noah’s surprise, he was asked to build a second craft.

Would it be the same as the first one, Noah enquired.

‘No, this one is special – it’s just for fish.’ God answered.

‘For fish?’ Noah asked. ‘Any particular sort of fish?’

‘Yes, indeed, Noah,’ came the reply. For carp.’

‘I see, said Noah, who didn’t really see at all. ‘Any special construction requirements?

‘I want a hold, at least ten decks, and an upper deck at the top. It has to be a multi-storey carp ark..’

(Internet circulation , courtesy of Dr Denis Griffiths)

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28th June, 2005
3. Matt, the prize-winning cartoonist from The Daily Telegraph
provides a wry comment on the recent legislation outlawing anti-religious expression.

  

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30th June, 2005
4. From Prospect magazine

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2nd July, 2005
5. Coming or Going?

There is a knock on St Peter’s door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A short time later there’s another knock. St Peter goes to the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.

‘Hey, are you playing games with me?’ St Peter calls after him when this all happens a third time.

‘No,’ the man's distant voice replies anxiously. ‘They’re trying to resuscitate me!’

(Contributed by Susie Greenwood, St Faith's)

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4th July 2005
6. Matt once again hits the spot with this comment on Bob Geldof's language
(and the steretoype of the Anglican priest!)

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4th July,2005
7. The Flying McCoys

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6th July
8. Gladys Dunn

Gladys Dunn was new to the area and decided to visit the church nearest to her new home. She enjoyed the service, the fine church and the lovely music by the choir, but the sermon that morning went on, and on, and on. Worse, it wasn’t even very interesting. Glancing round, she saw more than one person in the congregation nodding off. Finally it was over.

After the service, she turned to a still sleepy-looking gentleman next to her, extended her hand, and said, ‘I’m Gladys Dunn.’

‘Me too!’ he replied.

(From the magazine of St Mary the Virgin, Davyhulme, Manchester)
 

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10th July
9. Dear Lord and Mother…?

Three compelling arguments for believing that Jesus was really a woman:

 He had to feed a crowd at a moment’ notice when there was no food.
 He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’tget it.
 Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do....

(Internet circulation, supplied by Christine Spence)

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13th July
10. Another Bridge Too Far?

I was walking across a bridge the other day and saw a man about to jump.
I said, ‘Stop! Don’t do it.’
‘Why shouldn’t I?' he asked.
‘Well, are you a Christian?’ I asked.
He said: ‘Yes.’
I said, ‘Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?’
‘Protestant’.
‘Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?’
‘Baptist.’
‘Wow! Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?’
‘Baptist Church of God.’
‘Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?’
‘I’m Reformed Baptist Church of God.’
‘Amazing. Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?
He said, ‘Reformation of 1915.’
I said, ‘Die, heretic scum,’ and pushed him off the bridge….

(Origin uncertain, but clearly American. We're far less narrow-minded...)
 

---

19th July
11. 'Vibrating Homage'

(Not a spoof, but a genuine catalogue offer. Not a joke either, but certainly the oddest possible tribute to the late Supreme Pontiff...)

---

22nd July
12. Counting Heads

A rather self-important Bishop visited one of his churches to preach and was dismayed to find only a handful of people in the congregation.

'I say, my man,' he said to the vicar. 'Didn't you tell them I was coming here today?'

'No, my Lord,' replied the vicar. 'And I can't think who did...!'

(Origin unknown)

---

25th July
13. Final Advice

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her last moments on earth more comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused, so one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Then, remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and, before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

'Mother,' the nuns asked earnestly, 'Please give us some final wisdom before you die.'

Mother Superior raised herself slowly up in bed and, with a pious look on her face, said: 'Don't sell that cow!'

(Origin unknown)

---

30th July
14. Matt strikes again!

(The ''prize-winning cartoonist of the 'Daily Telegraph' comments wryly on the CofE's latest compromise on the gay issue)

---

August 2nd
15. The Answer to Prayer

A man was caught in a flood. Two men came by in a boat to rescue him, but he waved them away, shouting, ‘No, the Lord will save me.’

One hour later another boat cam along, but again the man said, ‘No, the Lord will save me.’

Eventually a helicopter arrived but the man insisted, ‘The Lord will save me.’

Inevitably, the man drowned and, at the gates of heaven, he asked St Peter, ‘Why didn’t the Lord save me?’

For heaven’s sake,’ St Peter replied. ‘He sent two boats and a helicopter –what more did you want?’

(From the magazine of St Mary the Virgin, Davyhulme)
 

---

August 5th
16. Time for The Times

(see No 14: on this issue even The Times is not immune from caustic cartoon comment...)

---

August 10th
17. Announcements from Church Bulletins

Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing ‘Put Me In My Little Bed’ accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with ‘Little Drops of Water’. One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.

(Probably mostly apocryphal, but worth repeating...)

---

August 17th
18. The Gardener's Hymn

All things bright and beautiful
All creatures great and small
All things wise and wonderful,
The Lord God made them all.
But what we never mention
Though gardeners know it's true
Is when he made the goodies
He made the baddies too.
All things spray and squattable
Disasters great and small
All things paraquatable,
The Lord God made them all.
The greenfly on the roses
The maggots in the peas
Manure that fills our noses,
He also gave us these.
The fungus on the goose-gogs
The clubroot on the greens
The slugs that eat the lettuce
And chew the aubergines.
The drought that kills the fuchsias
The frost that nips the buds
The rain that drowns the seedlings
The blight that hits the spuds.
The midges and mosquitoes
The nettles and the weeds
The pigeons in the green stuff
The sparrows on the seeds.
The fly that gets the carrots
The wasp that eats the plums
How black the gardener's outlook
Though green may be his thumbs.
But still we gardeners labour
Midst vegetables and flowers
And pray what hits the neighbours
Will somehow bypass ours!

(A gentle parody for the height of the summer season...)

---

23rd August
19. What Religion is your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, ‘I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.’ ’What type of bra?’ asked the clerk. ‘Type?’ inquires the man. ‘There’s more than one type?’ ‘Look around,’ said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
‘Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bra to choose from.’ Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied, ‘There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?’

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, ‘It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright. And the Baptist makes mountains out of molehills.’

(Supplied for Newslink by Mike Broom)

---

25th August
20. High Speed Heavenly Access

('Prospect' magazine offers excellent prospects for fast-track internet surfers)

---

6th September
21. 'An Englishman, an Irishman...'

A Vicar, a Rabbi and a Priest walk into a bar. The barmaid says: 'Is this some kind of joke?'

(a very short joke after a long absence. I'm running out of material...)

---

27th September
22. On the Case...?

 From a greetings card: a dialogue between two nuns. 'Mother Superior,' says the first. 'Did you know we have a case of syphilis in the convent?'
 'Oh, good', says the Reverend Mother. 'I was getting a bit tired of the Beaujolais!'

(Spread abroad by the wife of the Bishop of London!)

---

29th September
23. Gone to Pot...?

(Specially drawn for 'Good News' magazine by McNeill)

---

5th October
24. 'Business is Business'

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

(Internet religious jokes resource: one of the repeatable ones...)

---

10th October
25. Many a True Word....

Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival.

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

(Source unknown, but relevance unquestionable...)

---

19th October
26.  The W.C.

An English titled lady was suffering from a nervous breakdown. Having been recommended to stay in a German village in the mountains, she went to enquire as to lodgings, and knowing no German, she secured the assistance of the local schoolmaster, who had a smattering of English.

Having secured what she wanted, she returned home but remembered that she had omitted to enquire if there was a W.C, attached to the house. She therefore wrote for full particulars of the W.C., but as the host had never heard of the abbreviation he did not understand it, so consulted the local priest who also knew a little English. He came to the conclusion that the lady wished to know where the Wesleyan Church was situated, and wrote the following letter.

Your Ladyship,

The W.C. is situated about 7 miles from your ladyship's lodgings, in the centre of a pine forest amidst lovely surroundings, and it is open on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. This is rather unfortunate if you are in the habit of going regularly, but you will be pleased to know that numbers of people take their lunches with them and make a day of it.

As there are a number of visitors during the summer, I would advise you to go early. The accommodation is excellent and there are 80 seats.

The bell will ring before the W.C. opens and I should advise you to pay a visit to the W.C. on Thursdays when there is an organ accompaniment. The accoustics of the W.C. are excellent and the most delicate sounds are audible.

I should be delighted to reserve the best seat for you and have the honour of sitting with you.

P.S. Hymn sheets will be provided at the door but MUST be returned after use. My wife and I have not been for six months, and it has pained us a great deal, for it is a long way off.

(Rcently received in this version: a variant of an earlier version long in circulation)

---

October 24th
27. A Dead Cert!

A man went to Chester races and noticed a priest in the paddock watching the horses before each race. Every now and again he gave a blessing to one of the horses. When the race was over the man realised that that particular horse had won – and the same thing happened in the next four races.

The man said, “I’m not going to let this priest out of my sight.  I’m going to back the horse he blesses.” In due course a horse came past the priest and he gave it an extra large blessing. Immediately the man ran to the bookie and placed £20 on it at 100 to 1. The race started and the horse shot out of the stalls and was in the lead. Then it got to the last furlong, fell and had to be shot.

The man found the priest and said. “Father, why didn’t that one come in first?” The priest calmly said, “My son, are you a Catholic?” “No, Father.” “That explains it,” said the priest, “You obviously don’t know the difference between a blessing and the last rites!”

---

November 1st
28. The Nun's Story

Two nuns were driving through Transylvania when all of a sudden Dracula appeared in front of them causing them to make a sudden stop!

One of the nuns says to the other one, "Quick show him your Cross!"

So the other nun winds down the car window and yells, "Get out of the way you toothy moron!"

---

November 9th
29. The Irish Virus

(With routine apologies to the Irish. Not really a religious joke, but I couldn't resist it)

---

30. November 10th
Taken for a Ride?

A taxi driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her, so she asks him why he is staring.

He replies "I have a request, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Of course, you have to be single and you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says " Yes, I'm single and Catholic!".  "O.K." the nun says. "Pull into the next lay-by", and she fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make anyone blush.  But when they get back on the road, the taxi driver starts crying.

"My dear child" said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I have sinned." sobbed the cab driver. "I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

 "That's O.K.,' said the nun. 'My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party!"

(The responsibility of Ron Crawley)

---

31. November 14th
Scrabbling around....

---

32. November 20th
Divine Definitions

Abattoir
Three in a bed at a monastery
Acolyte
Easy listening clarinet music
Arcane
Liverpool bamboo
Aspire
Pointy bit on a church
Baptist
A junior hamburger chef
Beatitude
Stroppy mood common in teenage insects
Curate
A doctor
Damnation
Holland
Hebrew
Jewish teabag
Jihad
The cry of the fundamentalist cowboy
Merciful
Liverpool's flooded
Mosquito
A tiny place of Muslim worship
Vespa
Evensong on a scooter

(Extracts from the Uxbridge English Dictionary, courtesy of Kari Dodson)

---

33. November 29th
The Power of Prayer?

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way.
So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me... and I got it!

(Emo Philips, quoted in 'The Times'. He also claims to be the author of joke No 10, above!)

---

34. December 12th
Musical Reflections

---

35. December 15th
Spot the Difference?

What's the difference... between Jurassic Park and the Church of England?

One is a fantasy land full of dinosaurs...and the other is a blockbuster movie.

(Thanks to Ron Crawley)

---

36. December 20th
Divine Democracy

The minister of a Baptist church decides that God is calling the church to a new vision of what it is to be and to do. So at the Elders' Meeting, he presents the new vision with as much energy, conviction and passion as he can muster. When he had finished and sat down, the chair of the meeting called for a vote. All 14 elders voted against the new vision, with only the minister voting for it.

'Well, pastor, it looks like you will have to think again,' says the chairman. 'Would you like to close the meeting in prayer?'

So the minister stands up, raises his hand to heaven, and prays, 'Lord, will you not show these people that this is not MY vision but it is YOUR vision!

At that moment, the clouds darken, thunder rolls, and a streak of lightning bursts through the window and strikes in two the table at which they are sitting, throwing the minister and all the elders to the ground.

After a moment's silence, as they all get up and dust themselves off, the chairman speaks again.

'Well, that's fourteen votes to two then...'

(Thanks to Ron Crawley again)

---

37. December 22nd
P.C. Christmas

Politically-correct Christmas greeting

Please accept with no obligation, implicit or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practised within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice, with total respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, and their choice not to practise religious or secular traditions at all... and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Britain great (not to imply the Britain is necessarily greater than any other country nor is it the only "BRITAIN" in the northern hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, sexual orientation and choice of computer platform of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wishee actually to implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

(Classic FM website)

---

38. December 25th
Super Saver

(Courtesy of 'Prospect' magazine - accompanying a serious article on the pensions crisis...)

---

39. December 31st
Life's a Beach

---

40. January 3rd
Making Light Work...

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

… It depends on the denomination:

Charismatics.       Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostals.        Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians.      None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Episcopalians.      Eight. One to change the light bulb and seven to say they liked the old one better.
Lutherans.           None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
Salvation Army.  None. The lights are on but no-one is at home.
Quakers.             What's a light bulb?
Anglicans.           Can't be done without a faculty, a health and safety committee meeting, qualified electricians with tower scaffolds, safety harness                       and £5 million insurance cover.

---

41. January 7th
The Long Drop

There were these three trainee padres undergoing assessment, who were told they had to undertake a parachute drop. They could refuse, but were urged to take the plunge and identify with the life of a soldier.

Up in the plane, the R.C. trainee waited for the green light. When the sergeant signalled him, he stood still. The sergeant touched his shoulder and said: 'The cardinal orders you to jump'. He jumped.

The Free Church minister likewise froze. The sergeant leant forward and said: 'Your congregation wills you to jump'. He jumped.

Finally the Anglican was called forward - and he too froze at the doorway. The canny sergeant shouted across to him: 'Your bishop absolutely forbids you to jump!'

He jumped.

---

42. January 13th

Medical Mayhem

When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on adding a new wing to the local hospital, the Allergists voted top scratch the idea and the Dermatologists wanted no rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling that it was an inside job, the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians felt they were labouring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted, the Pathologists protested 'Over my dead body!' while the Paediatricians said 'Grow up!' The Psychiatrists thought it was madness, the Surgeons wanted to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Radiologists said they could see right through it. 

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic Surgeons said that recent events had put a whole new face on the matter. The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme would not hold water.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea lacked sensitivity, but the Cardiologists did not have the heart to protest. Finally, the Proctologists told the Manager that they were sick of the whole thing, that he should pull his finger out and put an end to the matter.

(With thanks for both these items to Jane Pitts, St Peter's, Formby, magazine)

---

43. January 20th
Somebody tell the Pope!

In the Year of 1981:
Prince Charles got married
Liverpool F.C. were crowned Champions of Europe
Australia lost the Ashes tournament
The Pope died

In the Year of 2005:
Prince Charles got married
Liverpool F.C. were crowned Champions of Europe
Australia lost the Ashes tournament
The Pope died

So, if  Prince Charles ever decides to remarry, will somebody please warn the Pope...?

(internet circulation, courtesy of Fr Neil Kelley)

---

44. January 24th
Bulletin Bloomers

These sentences allegedy appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services ...

• The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water."  The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."

• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8.00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.  Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

• Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

• Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

(Internet circulation again, courtesy of Mike Broome. Probably apocryphal, but who cares...?)

---

45. January 27th
More Bulletin Bloomers

• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

• Scouts are saving aluminium-cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

(The same blame)

---

46. January 30th
Sick as a Parrot...?

A chap was given a gift of a parrot with a very bad attitude. Every word out of its mouth was laced with enough foul language and profanity to make the vicar blush. He tried all he could to change its attitude by playing soft music and saying polite words but nothing worked.

Finally, after yelling at the bird, he lost his cool entirely and put the bird in the freezer. He heard it squawk and scream and swear… then suddenly there was quiet. The man opened the door, fearing he had hurt the bird, and the parrot calmly stepped out on to his outstretched arm.

‘I believe I may have offended you with my rude language,’ the bird declared. ‘I am so sorry and will do my best to correct my poor behaviour’. The astonished man was about to ask the parrot what on earth had brought about this change of behaviour when the bird spoke again.

‘May I ask,’ he enquired, ‘exactly what that chicken did to upset you?’

(From the magazine of St Mary the Virgin, Davyhulme, Manchester)

---

45. February 2nd
More Bulletin Bloomers

• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours."

(as before... this is the final batch!)

---

46. February 6th
The Wind of Change

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says " I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

(Internet circulation, thanks to Fiona Whalley)

---

47. February 11th
Flight of Fancy

(Daily Telegraph)
 

---

48. March 10th
Oldies Rule O.K.

A woman is as young as her knees Mary Quant
It is better to be 70 years young than 40 years old Oliver Wendell Holmes
A salesman, replacing my boiler, told me: ‘The makers will tell you this boiler will give 25 years’ service. He looked up , hesitated, and continued, ‘But of course to you that would not be a selling point.’ Kenneth Bruce, 78
I’m at an age when if I drop a fiver in the collection plate, it’s not a donation, it’s an investment. Ralph Layton
Old age is when you know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
After Sunday School my granddaughter said thoughtfully: ‘Granddad, were you in the Ark?’ ‘Of course not!’ I replied. ‘Then why weren’t you drowned?’ James Potter
I can still enjoy sex at 75. I live at 76, so it’s no distance Bob Monkhouse
What if the hokey cokey really is what it’s all about? Bob Monkhouse
It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
In Liverpool the difference between a funeral and a wedding is one less drunk. Paul O’Grady
I do benefit performances for all religions. I’d hate to lose out on a technicality. Bob Hope

He who laughs, lasts Mary Pettibone Poole

(from Wrinklies' Wit and Wisdom: irreverent observations on growing old)
 

---

49. March 13th
Tasteless joke for Lent

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint..
(Emo Philips,  supplied by Fr Dennis)

---

50. March 16th
Mourning Walk

A man was walking through the cemetery when he met another man with a dog on a lead.

'Morning', he said to the man.

'No, just walking the dog,'  said the  man.

(Thanks to Joe Orford for this one)

---

51. March 21st
The Benefits of Coffee

A Mormon told me that they didn’t drink coffee.

I said, ‘My friend, a cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits.’

He said, ‘Like what?’ I said, ‘Well, it keeps you from being a Mormon.’

(Another one from Emo Phillips. Apologis to any Mormons, who  may subsitute the denomination of their choice

---

52. March 24th
Only Here for the Beer?

Two nuns were shopping in a supermarket and happened to be passing the wine and spirit section. One asks the other  if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that that would be good, but that she would feel uncomfortable about  purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cash out.  

The assistant had a surprised look and the first nun said, "The beer is for washing our hair."  

The assistant, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the  beer. "There you are, sister," she said, "don't forget the curlers."

(Blame Ron Crawley for this one) 

---

53. April 3rd
The Outsize Birth

The Vicar, a forgetful chap, wne to London to buy a banner for the Mothers' Union. He could not remember either the wording or the size, so he sent a telegram to his wife asking for the details.

When he returned to the Post Office for the reply, the girl, looking very shaken, silently handed him the reply:

'Unto us a son is born stop. Four feet by nine feet stop. Top half red, bottom black stop. Love Mary.'

(Ron again!)

---

54. April 4th
Is there a Dog?

Q. What do you do if you're an insomniac agnostic dyslexic?

A. Stay up all night wondering if there's a dog.

(St Peter's Formby, church magazine)

---

55. April 7th
Lavatory Humour

(Prospect Magazine)

---

55. April 10th
Holding the Line in Hell

(Prospect magazine again)

---

56 April 12th
The Naked Truth?

The old priest had a large pond surrounded by apple and pear trees at the far end of the church property.  One warm evening, the he decided to have a leisurely walk through the orchard and down to the pond as he  hadn't been there for a while.  He grabbed a bucket so he could bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women  skinny-dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence. At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave." 

The vicar frowned and said, "I did not come down here to watch you young  ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked."  Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

---

57 April 15th
Nuts to the Vicar

Thje vicar visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. 'Mind if I hav a few?' he asks.

'No, not at all!' the woman replies.

They talk for an hour and as the vicar stands to leave, he realises that he has emoptied the bowl.

'Terribly sorry for scoffing all your peanuts, my dear. I really only meant to eat a few.'

'Oh, that's all right,' the woman says. 'Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them...'

(from 'A Barrel of Fun' by J.John and Mark Stibbe, Monarch Books)

---

58. April 22nd
The Bear Necessities

A Roman Catholic priest, a Pentecostalist minister and a Jewish rabbi each claimed to be the best at converting people to their faith. To settle things they each agreed to tackle a wild grizzly bear and report back...

A week later, the priest staggered in, scratched and bruised but triumphant. 'It was tough, but I did it!' he said. 'I sprinkled him with holy water, said the rosary over him and in the end he calmed down and knelt for a blessing.'

The Pentecostalist was next: he too was battered and scarred but exultant. 'I did it, praise the Lord! he declared. 'I don't hold with this sprinkling business, but we prayed together at the mercy seat and I expounded the scriptures to him and he behaved like a little newborn lamb.'

The rabbi was wheeled in on a stretcher - leg in plaster, arm in a splint and face badly mauled. 'I think on reflection it wasn't a good idea to start with the circumcision,' he said thoughtfully.

(From a version submitted by  Ron Crawley)

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59 April 25th
Judgement Day

Judge to prisoner in the dock at Liverpool Crown Court: 'Wouldn't you like a lawyer to defend you?'

Prisoner: 'There's no need. The Lord is my defender.'

Judge: 'I think you'd do better to have someone known locally.'

(A Bucket of Surprises)

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60. April 30th
That's the Spirit!

The teetotal vicar held up two glasses in the pulpit, and explained that one contained water and the other gin. He produced a wormn and dropped it in the water, where it wriggled about happily enough. Rescuing the worm, he dropped it in the gin, where it instantly expired.

Turning to the congregation, he asked: 'Well now my friends, what does this teach us?'

A voice came from the back of church. 'If you drink gin you won't get worms!'

(Origin unknown)

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61. May 4th
Hoots, mon!

The new hospital chaplain is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of gloomy-looking patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies, "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As lang's my airm."

The chaplain is confused, so he just smiles and moves on to the next patient. The unsmiling patient stares at him and says, "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and with a forced grin, the priest moves on to the next sad-looking patient, who immediately begins to chant, "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, the chaplain turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit."

(Thanks to Fr Peter Cavanagh)

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62. 14th May
Just Whisper in my Ear, Son

A woman and her four-year-old son were at church. Her son suddenly said, far too loudly, 'Mummy, I have to have a pee!'

She said, rather embarrassed, 'Shh, we don't say that. We say "I have to whisper".'

'O.K. Mummy,' said the little lad.

The very next week his father took the little boy to church. Towards the end of the service the lad leaned over and said, 'Daddy, I have to whisper.'

'That's fine,' said his dad. 'Just whisper in my ear...'

(Thanks to 'A Bucket of Surprises')

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63. 29th May
The Very Important Passenger

Billy Graham was returning home after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrived at the airport, there was a long black limousine to transport him. 
Just as he was about to get in the back of the limo, he stopped. He whispered to the driver who was holding the door open for him. "You know," he  said, "I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine.  Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have a go." Billy got into the driver's seat and they headed out to the motorway. 

Lurking behind an exit ramp a short distance from the airport sat a rookie traffic cop operating his first speed trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 40 mph zone. The cop pulled out in pursuit and easily caught the limo. He pulled up behind, got out and walked up to the driver's door. When the window was rolled down, he was very surprised to see who was driving. Trying desperately to maintain his professional attitude, he immediately excused himself and walked back to his car and called his sergeant.

He told the sergeant, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, "Is it the Chief Constable?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the Queen."

The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that."

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur."


(With thanks to Ron Crawley)

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64. June 9th
Mark this!

The vicar told his congregation: 'Next Sunday my sermon will be on the sin of lying. To prepare yourselves please read the seventeenth chapter of Mark's Gospel.'

The following Sunday arrived and he asked: 'How many of you read the seventeenth chapter of Mark?'

Most of the congregation raised their hands.

'Good,' he replied. 'There are only sixteen chapters in Mark. Now for the sermon on the sin of lying...'

(A Bucket of Surprises)

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65. June 14th
Shaggy Dog Story

A fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentalist Christian pet. So they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course). That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called out to the dog, and then clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

(Another of Ron Crawley's!)

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66. June 20th
Blanket coverage

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has just the one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you have the bed.
Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later still...
Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

(Another of Ron Crawley's!)

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67. June 29th
By Hook or by Crook

(from the magazine of St John the Baptist, Great Meols)

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68. July 16th
A Bit of a Headache...

God said to Adam, "Go down into that valley."
And Adam said, "What's a valley?" and God explained it to him.

Then God said, "Cross the river"
And Adam said "What's a river?" and God explained it to him.

And then God said, "Go over the hill."
And Adam said, "What's a hill?" and God explained it to him.

Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave."
And Adam said, "What's a cave?" And God explained that to him.

"In the cave you will find a woman."
And Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him.

So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back.
God said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

(Thanks to Ron Crawley, who dared me to use this one...!)

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69. July 31st
'There I Was...'

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70. August 4th
Keeping everyone happy?

'In order to accommodate all religions, we're going to sacrifice
Derek, the school hamster, to Zarg, Lord of Darkness, after school'

Courtesy of 'The Oldie'

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71. August 13th
Deathbed Conversion?

A Jew was on his death bed, and was asked if he had any last rewuests.

Bring me a Christian priest, I want to convert,' he said.

Why ever would you wish to do that/' he was asked.

Better one of them should die than one of us...'

(BBC Heaven and Earth show, August 13th)

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72. August 15th

Celebrating the Difference

After being shipwrecked on a desert island for twenty years, a Scotsman was picked up by a passing ship. The Captain gazed over at the island, seeing two churches at opposite ends of the island, and asked, ‘How many of you are there on this island?’

‘Just me.’ replied the man.

‘Well then why have you built two churches, man?’

‘’Aye, well yon’s the one I refuse to worship at,’ came the reply.

(BBC Heaven and Earth show, 13th August)

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73. August 16th
Ringing the Changes

(Daily Telegraph: at the height of the phone tapping controversy)

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74. August 20th
Honk if you love Jesus

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"  What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

(internet circulation) 

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75. August 27th
For Better, for Worse...?


'Can I ask the audience?'

(from 'The Oldie' magazine)

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76. September 9th
Dead Scary

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologised and said, "I didn't realise that a little tap would scare you so much."

"The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a  hearse for the last
25 years."

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77. September 18th
As Good a Reason as Any...

At a mass at which three nuns were taking their final vows, the presiding bishop noticed two Jewish rabbis enter the church just before the service began. They insisted on sitting on the right side of the church.

After the service, the Bishop's curiosity got the better of him. He welcomed the two rabbis during the announcements and asked why they had chosen to be present at this occasion where the three nuns were to become 'Brides of Christ'.

One of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained: 'Family of the Groom'.

('A Bucket of Surprises')

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78. September 25th
Nobody's Perfect

The preacher was sounding off from the pulpit. 'Nobody is perfect,' he said. 'Hands up anyone here who is perfect.'

There was no response from the congregation, so he tried again. 'Hands up anyone who is perfect.'

A little man towards the back slowly raised his hand.

'Are you telling me you're perfect?' asked the preacher.

'No, I'm speaking on behalf of my wife's first husband,' came the reply.

(As told by Bishop Bill Ind in 'A Country Parish')

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79. September 30th
Many a True Word...?

(Church Times, September 1st)

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80. October 12th
Living in Sin!

(Matt in the Daily Telegraph, October 12th, 2006, with his usual wry look at the current headlines)

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81. October 22nd
The Soul Occupants?

A man arrives at the gates of heaven, St Peter asks, "Religion ?" The man replies "Methodist."

St Peter looks down his list and says: "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the pearly gates and St Peter asks, "Religion ?" The man replies "Baptist."

St Peter says: "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates and is asked, "Religion ?" "Jewish," he replies. He is told to go to room 11 and, as before, to be quiet as he passes room 8.

The man says "I can understand why there are different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet as I pass room 8 ?"

St Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they are the only ones here."

(Supplied by Kevin Walsh. Denominations are of course interchangeable to taste!)

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82. October 25th
What Sweeter Music?

The parish priest was having an awful time with his congregation - and vene more so with his music department - and finally decided to pack it in and leave.
 
At the close of the next Sunday morning service he announced, "Some years ago Jesus brought me to this congregation. Jesus is now taking me away from it."

With those remarks he sat down somewhat abruptly and it was left to the organist to announce the closing hymn.

"How appropriate," he commented, "that we sing hymn number 104 - 'What a friend we have in Jesus.'

(Supplied by Ron Crawley)

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83. November 3rd
Church Mouse?

The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash.
He installed His software on the hard disk of my heart;
All of his commands are user-friendly.
His directory guides me to the right choices for his name’s sake.

Even though I scroll through the problems of life,
I will fear no bugs, for He is my back-up.
His password protects me.
He prepares a menu before me in the presence of my enemies.
His help is only a keystroke away.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life;
And my files will be merged with His and saved forever.

(from the magazine of Crowhurst Christian Healing Centre)

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84. November 11th
The Run-down Lawyer

A lorry driver had a habit, whenever he saw a lawyer on the side of the road, of swerving to hit him. He got no greater pleasure out of life than the sound of the lawyer going 'thump-thump' underneath his wheels.

One day, he saw a happy, smiling priest standing on the side of the road. Being a good Samaritan, he pulled over and said, "Father, do you need a lift?"

"Why, yes, thank you."  The little priest climbs up into the cab, and the truck driver headed off. After a short while, he saw a lawyer on the side of the road, and out of habit swerved towards him. Suddenly, he remembered he had a holy man next to him and he frantically tried to avoid hitting the lawyer.

'Thump,' came the ominous sound nevertheless. "Father, I, uh, I think I came close to hitting that lawyer back there," confessed the driver.

 "Oh, don't worry," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

(another from Ron Crawley. Professions interchangeable, of course...)

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85. November 13th
Ego te absolvo?

An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would..

"Well, Father," began the old man, "At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing," interjected the priest, "But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!"

"It gets worse Father," continued the elderly fellow, "I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favours."

The priest contemplated this disclosure for a minute and then responded, "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a very large risk. You would both have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil of your acts, and judge you kindly."

"Thank you Father," said the old man. "That's a load off my mind! Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I have to tell her that the war is over?"

(Ron Crawley dared me to put this one online...)

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86. November 21st
Lift High the Cross?

(The Daily Telegraph's prize-winning cartoonist hits the spot once again.)

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86. November 24th
B****** Airways?

(Matt continues to put the boot in to a certain airline)

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87. November 27th
More than a Match...

A vicar was walking down the High Street when he saw a man in an army trench coat selling matches from a tray around his neck. The sign read: ‘Please help a Falklands veteran’. The patriotic priest, wanting to help one of our brave lads who risked his life defending freedom in that far-off land, gave a most generous donation.

The soldier, overcome by such generosity, touched his cap and said in a choking voice: ‘Muchas Gracias, Senor’…. 

(Supplied by the indefatigable Ron Crawley)

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87. November 27th
Standing up for Jesus

The vicar was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with even more money than they were expecting to pay the Diocesan quota next year. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the organist was sick and a stand-in had been brought in at the last minute. The new organist wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," the vicar said. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement at the end about the finances."

After the service, the vicar gravely announced: 'My friends, we are in great difficulty; the the quota has gone up twice as much as we expected and we need £4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge £100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the new organist played "God save the Queen".

And that is how the new organist became the permanent organist.

(Ron Crawley strikes again!)

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88. December 18th
Upstaging the Pontiff

The Pope arrives at the gates of heaven at the same time as a lawyer. To his amazement, the heavenly host rush out, cheering and singing ‘Alleluia’ and carry the lawyer shoulder-high through the gates.

Puzzled and disappointed, the Pope asks St Peter why no-one has greeted him.

‘Don’t worry,’ said Peter. We get Popes in here pretty often, but a lawyer is something really special…’

(Internet source: to avoid litigation, substitute profession of choice)

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89. December 20th
Bishop Bashing?

(Matt of the Daily Telegraph takes a swipe at a forgetful prelate)

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90. January 2nd, 2007
Holey, Holey, Holey?

St Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by, catching his attention he asked, "Could you mind the Pearly Gates for a short while, I need to go on a message?"  Jesus replied, "Certainly, what do I have to do?"
 
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family and their lives. Then decide if they are worthy to enter Heaven."
 
"Sounds easy enough, OK."  So Jesus waited at the gates while St Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man.
 
Jesus summoned him to the table and sitting across from him asked, "What was it you did for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leant forward, " Did you have any family ?" he asked.
 
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
 
Jesus leaned forward a bit more, "You lost your son? can you tell me about him?"
 
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
 
Jesus leaned even more forward and whispered "Father?"
 
The old man leant forward and whispered "Pinocchio?"

 
(Blame Kevin Walsh for this one!)

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91. January 4th
‘Eternal Father, strong to save…’

As the boat was sinking, the Captain raised his voice to ask. ‘Does anyone here know how to pray?’

One man said, ‘Yes, I do. I’m a Vicar.’

‘Good,’ said the Captain. You go ahead and pray while the rest of us put on the life-jackets. We’re one short.’

(with thanks to Ron Crawley)

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92. February 1st
In her bad books..?

(with thanks to Meols Good News)

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93. Febrary 3rd, 2007
Bottling Out of Lent

('Parish Pump')

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94. February 10th, 2007
Putting with the Padre

A keen golfing priest is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole of a practice round when another golfer approaches and asks if he can join him. They are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five pounds a hole?"

The priest says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but reluctantly agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off after the eighteenth hole, while counting his £80, he confesses that he's the professional at a neighbouring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The priest then reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church, whereupon the pro gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the priest back his money. The priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, Father, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father along after Mass, I'll marry them for you...."


(Ron Crawley)

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95. February 26th
 Creature Comforts

A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years, the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing.
The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he couldn't have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day.

With that, the priest asked the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?"

The Bishop replied, "Yes, that would be nice."

The priest turned around and hollered towards the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"

(It's that Ron again...)

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96. February 28th
Oy Vey Maria?

The teacher was curious to know how her pupils had spent Christmas. She asked Patrick,  who told everyone he and his six brothers went to midnight mass, sand lots of hymns and came home very tired but still managed to put biscuits and milk on the fireplace for Santa and his reindeer. She asked Janice, who said she also went to church with her Mum and Dad, sang lots of carols then went home, hung upo her stocking and went fast asleep to wait for Santa.

Not wanting to make little Isaac Cohen feel left out, she felt she'd better ask him too.

'Well, it's the same thing every year,' said Isaac. ' Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce and drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside we look up at all the empty shelves and then we sing 'What a friend we have in Jesus'.

'Then we all fly off to the Bahamas.'

(from the magazine of St John the Baptist, Great Meols, Wirral)

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97. March 4th
Looking After your Organ

The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. The Vicar came to visit her and was welcomed into her parlour. She invited him to have a seat while she made a cup of tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the vicar noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water, he couldn't help noticing, there floated a condom!

As he sipped his tea and ate his cake, curiosity got the better of the vicar so he pointed to the bowl and said, "Agatha, I wonder if you could tell me about this."
 
"Oh yes, isn't it wonderful?" she replied. "I found this little package in the churchyard last autumn. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter!"

(Blame Mike Foy for this one)

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98. March 8th
Dropping a Clanger

The vicar was surprised when a man with no arms asked if he could ring the church bells. The vicar wondered how he was going to manage the bell ropes, but the man explained that he would climb up to the bells and ring them with his head.

He went up to the bell tower and banged his head against one of the bells. Getting really carried away, he banged it again and again and finally rammed his face against it. Overcome with excitement, he overbalanced and fell to the ground in a heap. A crowd gathered as the vicar climbed down. ‘How dreadful,’ said one onlooker. ‘Do you know who he is, Vicar?’

‘I don’t know his name,’ said the vicar, ‘but his face certainly rings a bell…’


(And this one from his young son Matthew!)

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99. March 9th
Slaving Away?

 
(St Peter's Church, Formby, Parish Magazine)

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   The 100th joke: March 12th, 2007
Vicars Beware!

 'Congregation Beats Up Priest'

Elderly congregation members at a church in South Africa gave their priest the beating of his life after he told them to hand over part of the increase in their pension announced in the recent budget.

Piet Mnisi, the priest of the village of Mvangatini in north-eastern Mpulamanaga Province, said in his sermon that the money was ‘a blessing from God’, the Daily Sun said.

The priest had told the worshippers relatives would die if he did not start receiving the money from next month.

(Thanks to Ken Hollis for this genuine press cutting: not a joke as such but I couldn't resist it!)

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