'FunnyYou Should Say That!'



 

On these pages we publish  jokes, cartoons and oddities,  with a Christian connection, as well as a few that aren't religious, but which caught the website manager's fancy. Apologies are unreservedly offered to any individual or publication we have not been able to trace and acknowledge or who would have preferred not to share the joke with a wider public. Apologies likewise tendered to those who are not amused by what they read or see, or who may find any item not entirely politically correct. No apologies to those who feel that a Church website is no place for such things - we are happy to believe that God has a sense of humour, otherwise he would not have created the human race, let alone the people of Saint Faith's in general and the website manager in particular. It goes without saying that any perceived bias or incorrect thinking contained or implied by these various offerings in no way reflects the views of our church or any of its members... although many of them share this writer's unreconstructed sense of humour.

If you have a joke - or a source of humour - you would like to share, then please get in touch. Visitors are more than welcome to share, publish or plagiarise these items!

Apologies for any missing cartoons.

Click here to access the first hundred offerings, posted from 2005 onwards.

Click here for jokes posted in 2012 and 2013 (those that haven't disappeared into cyberspace, that is...)

Click here to access a collection of curious items (including many non-P.C. offerings) from various sources

... and here for a  feature reproducing newspaper articles and comments on more serious topics of interest to the Christian community.




621  26th May, 2018
Late Extra



Private Eye




620  12th May, 2018
Cheeky Chappies






619 May 8th, 2018
The Sucker

T
he vicar visited an elderly lady from his congregation. As he sat down he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

'May I have a few?' he asked. 'You're more than welcome,' the lady replied.

After an hour, as the vicar stood up to leave, he realised he had scoffed the lot.

'I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts,' he said. 'I only meant to have a few.'

'Oh, that's all right,' came the reply. 'Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.'

With thanks to the magazine of St Peter's, Formby



617 May 2nd, 2018

Bishop's Move?


A pompous prelate visited a rural parish to preach at Evensong.

Seeing that there were only half a dozen or so in the congregation, the bishop was less than well pleased.

Didn't you tell them I was coming, my man?' he asked the vicar.

'No my Lord,' came the reply. 'and I don't know who did!'





616 April 28th, 2018
Crumbs!






615 April 11th, 2018
'Mansplaining' Easter







614 April 4th, 2018
'Low' Sunday?



Private Eye




613 March 7th, 2018
Brushed Off

There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very
interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down
paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one
their biggest churches.

Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting
up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it
down with the turpentine.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done,
when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened,
and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church
and knocking Jock off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the
gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless
paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got
on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no
more!"

Thanks to Fiona Whalley for this: an old one but worth repeating
(the joke, not Fiona!)


612 January 26th, 2018
Groping for an answer?






611 January 23rd, 2018
Wholly holy holey!




610 January 15th, 2018
Wherever could this be?



Thanks to Fr John Reed (whose sermons are short and sweet!)




609  December 23rd, 2017
Dead silent?







608 14th November, 2017
One Foot in the Grave

Bert and Alf were at the funeral of an old friend.
They stood in deep thought by the open grave.
'How old were he then?' asked Bert.
'I reckon he were 89', says Alf. 'How old be you then, Bert?'
'I be 88', came the reply. 'Ow about you then?'
'Me? Reckon I be 87 next month.'
There was a thoughtful pause, before they spoke as one:

'Hardly worth going home, I reckon.'

__________________________________________________________________

607 21st October, 2017

The Lion's Share?


Private Eye



606 
October 1st, 2017
If at first you don’t succeed . . . .

 A vicar of several rural parishes was driving back to his vicarage after a PCC meeting one night. It was very dark and he was feeling tired.

As he rounded a bend on the winding country lane he suddenly saw a cyclist right in front of him. He slammed on the brakes and hauled the steering wheel over to the right. The cyclist was understandably shocked by this sudden threat, as the car missed him by inches. He swerved to the left, hit an embankment and fell off.

The vicar jumped out of the car to check that the cyclist was alright. The cyclist picked himself up, dusted himself down and declared himself to be unhurt. However, it was too dark to properly tell the state of the bike.

The vicar promised to pay for the cost of any damage and gave the cyclist one of his visiting cards, which had his name and phone number on it. When the cyclist got home he looked at the card and was somewhat perturbed when he read,

‘Sorry to have missed you. I will try again tomorrow.’

With thanks to 'Focus', St Mary's, Davyhulme magazine



605  September 22nd, 2017
   Tuba Mirum


Private Eye



604  September 19th, 2017

Would you Adam and Eve it...






603 August 26th, 2017
Perils of the Pulpit

 

The Revd Steve Morris, a London priest, warn new clergy to manage their expectations. 
After one of his very first services, a parishioner came up to ask if he wrote his sermons down and if he could have a copy. 
He wrote in ‘Christian Today’ that he felt a “flurry of pride” and wondered if the man wanted to keep it for posterity or to go over its message again. 
The worshipper replied, “No, Steve.  I fell asleep as you started speaking and only woke up when you said ‘Amen’.”

Thanks to David Jones and today's Times Diary




602 August 8th, 2017
Clerical Clashes





601 August 7th, 2017

Bear with him!
.

.
With thanks to Private Eye and Denis Griffiths





600  24th July, 2017

Loss of Faculties




To mark the 600th posting, this splendid cartoon is resurrected, without apology.
The editor fondly remembers  an archdeacon making similar noises over a less dramatic breach
 of ecclesiastical standing orders many years ago at St Faith's. 
 The phrase 'strictly speaking' is wonderfully C of E ...


____________________________

599  11th July, 2017
Blind Date?


This cartoon has been lost in cyberspace!
Private Eye



598  June 30th, 2017

Eau de Toilette?





597 June 25th, 2017

Chairwoman Jackie?


To mark the ordination of Jackie Parry, 25th June, 2017



596 22nd June, 2017
Allergy in a Country Churchyard



With thanks to Private Eye



595 June 12th, 2017
'Holey, Holey. Holey?  Lord God Almighty!'






594 May 24th, 2017
'Matchstick boys and girls' - R.I.P.





593  May 12th, 2017
Thou Shalt Not Leak





592 April 22nd, 2017
Fire Down Below


'You're very impressed with our new underfloor heating?
We haven't got underfloor heating!'



591 April 15th, 2017
Jesus is Coming!


'Keen not to be late for his own resurrection,
Duncan Rennie hurtles on a scooter to a rehearsal
of the Edinburgh Easter Play in which he plays Jesus'
(Daily Telegraph front page photo on Easter Eve!)



590  April 5th, 2017

Trust Trouble






589 April 2nd, 2017
For Better, for Worse