'FunnyYou Should Say That!'
On these pages we publish jokes, cartoons and
oddities, with a Christian connection, as well as a few
that aren't religious, but which caught the website manager's
fancy. Apologies are unreservedly offered to any individual or
publication we have not been able to trace and acknowledge or
who would have preferred not to share the joke with a wider
public. Apologies likewise tendered to those who are not amused
by what they read or see, or who may find any item not entirely
politically correct. No apologies to those who feel that a
Church website is no place for such things - we are happy to
believe that God has a sense of humour, otherwise he would not
have created the human race, let alone the people of Saint
Faith's in general and the website manager in particular. It
goes without saying that any perceived bias or incorrect
thinking contained or implied by these various offerings in no
way reflects the views of our church or any of its members...
although many of them share this writer's unreconstructed sense
of humour.
If you have a joke - or a source of humour - you
would like to share, then please get in touch. Visitors are
more than welcome to share, publish or plagiarise these
items!
Apologies for any missing cartoons: blame managerial
incompetence and supply your own drawings...
Click Here to access the first hundred offerings, posted from 2005 onwards.
Click here to
access a collection of curious items (including many non-P.C.
offerings) from various sources
... and here
for a newer feature reproducing newspaper articles and
comments on more serious topics of interest to the Christian
community.
405 December 26th, 2013
The Very Sod?
The Oldie again
404 December 25th, 2013
Keeping up with the Carpenters?
The Oldie
403 December 20th, 2013
Happy Hacking
402 December 16th, 2013
Church on the Rebound
The Oldie, December 2013
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401 November 23rd, 2013Searching for God
400 November 18th, 2013
'More Tea, Vicar?'
The Oldie
399 October 30th, 2013
Would you Adam and Eve it!
A Sunday School teacher was teaching how God created everything, including human beings. One little boy seemed especially intent when she explained how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she asked him what was the matter.
The little lad explained worriedly: 'I have a pain in my side.I think I'm going to have a wife.'
Thanks to St Peter's, Formby, Church magazine.
398 October 30th, 2013
Snipping the Squirrel
There were five houses of religion in a small American town: the Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Roman Catholic Church nad the Jewish Synagogue. Each of their places of worship was overrun with pesky squirrels.One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective Christian solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
And what about the Jewish synagogue? Not much was heard about them, but rumour has it that they took one squirrel and had a short initiation service of circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
Internet circulation via an anonymous friend!
397 October 23rd, 2013
Grave Matters
The Oldie once more (who else?)
396 October 19th, 2013
Heavenly Pleasures...?
The Oldie again
395 October 17th, 2013
'With this ringtone I thee wed...'
The Oldie
394 September 24th, 2013
'Think I'll go and Eat Worms...'
The vicar decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol . . . dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . dead. Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . alive.So the vicar asked his congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
There was silence, until one farmer at the back hazarded: "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms?"
393 September 19th, 2013
An Offer You Can't Refuse?
The Oldie
392 September 16th, 2013
Veil of Secrecy
Daily Telegraph, September16th, 2013
391 August 22nd, 2013
Divine Drivers?
The Oldie, August 2013
390 August 12th, 2013
Must be Nuts
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old walnut tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord Jesus are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been telling me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord! Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...’
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him..
Thanks to Fiona Whalley
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389 July 29th, 2013
It's a Piece of Cake
Matt, Daily Telegraph, July 27th, 2013
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388 July 28th, 2013Right on the Money?
Matt, Daily Telegraph, July 26th
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387 July 25th, 2013
By Hook or by Crook
The Oldie
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386 July 14th, 2013
All White Before the Night
The minister was unhappy with the run-down look of his chapel, and decided one Saturday to give it an external face-lift. His bright idea was to paint the exterior as a surprise for his Sunday congregation.
He set to with a will, only to discover that he had nowhere near enough paint to emulsion the walls. So he rushed out and bought copious quantities of thinner and managed to finish the job before nightfall.
Sadly, there was an unexpected downpour overnight and when the minister emerged he found that most of his handiwork had been washed away. He looked up to heaven and uttered a silent prayer for guidance.
Back came a mighty voice: 'My son, repaint and thin no more!'
(and again!)
385 July 11th
Bread of Heaven?
A
man was amazed when one morning a piece of toast popped up
from his toaster with what was clearly the face of Jesus
burnt into it.
Excited, and wanting
to share the good news, he rushed next door to his Indian
neighbour.
The man took one look at it and said, 'I
can't believe it's not Buddha!'
(Ditto)
384 July 10th
Holy in One
Two men were enjoying a round of golf when along the road at the end of the course a funeral cortege slowly passed. One of the men put down his putter, bowed his head and crossed himself reverently.
When the last car had passed, his companion said: 'Well I am really impressed. You don't see that sort of respect much these days.'
'It's the least I could do,' replied the first man. 'She was always a good wife to me.'
('Vicars telling jokes' BBC Four)
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383 June 13th
Mum's the Word
382 May 29th, 2013
Ring Any Bells.....?
Daily Telegraph, 16th
March
377 March
14th, 2013
Habemus
Fiat?
Daily Telegraph, March 14th
376 March 7th, 2013
Cardinal Errors?
'Private Eye', courtesy of Denis Griffiths
375 February 23rd, 2013
Just the Ticket?
Just as the traffic warden's coffin was being lowered into its final resting place, there came a loud knocking from within.
'Let me out! Let me out! I'm not dead,' a muffled voice shouted.
The priest bent down to the coffin, and with a sharp intake of breath said,
'Sorry my son, it's too late. I've done the paperwork...'
373 February 7th, 2013
A Marriage made in Heaven?
371 Feast of the Epiphany, 2013
Very Wise Men?
?
370 January 2nd, 2013
Returning the Compliment
369
December 29th, 2012
Baby Boom
368 December 23rd, 2012
Sick of Advent?
367 December 21st. 2012
Shop until you Drop Him
366
December 17th, 2012
For Better for Worse?
Back with the ever-reliable Matt!
365 December 16th, 2012
Put
a sock in it...?
‘Now,
we’re just going into church,’ said the Sunday School teacher to
her children.
‘Can anyone tell me why we have to be very quiet?’
‘Because they’re asleep,’ answered a child.
333 October 30th, 2012
Batty Priests
Three clergy, while having a drink in the pub one evening, were discussing the problem each of them had with bats in their churches.
The first said he had tried to entice them out but it had not worked. There were still hundreds of them in his belfry.
The second explained that a pest control company had been brought in but nothing had changed. There were still bats everywhere.
Then the third priest spoke up. "I've got rid of all mine," he said.
"How on earth have you done that?" the other two asked eagerly.
"I just baptised and confirmed them all," he replied, "and I never saw them again."
332 October 28th, 2012
Coming to Heal?
Original cartoon by Johnjo Knipe, with thanks to John Crooke
331 October 26th, 2012
It's Good to Talk...?
329 October 19th, 2012A top executive at Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers 'Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate 100 million euros to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee'.
The Pope responds, 'That is impossible, my son. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.'
'Well,' said the Nescafe man, 'we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to 300 million euros.'
'My son, it is still impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed.'
The Nescafe executive says, 'Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your integrity and adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate €500 million - that's half a billion euros - to the great Roman Catholic Church if you will just change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it once more.' And he leaves, with the Pope deep in thought.
The next day His Holiness convenes the College of Cardinals.
'There is some good news,' he announces, 'and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will soon be the richer by 500 million euros.'
'And the bad news, your Holiness?' asks a Cardinal.
'We're losing the Hovis account.'
Internet circulation: thanks to Fiona Whalley
The Sunday School teacher had just concluded her lesson and wanted to make sure she had made her point.
She said, “Can anyone tell me what you must do before you can obtain forgiveness of sin?”
There was a short pause and then, from the back of the room, a small boy spoke up. "Sin?"
With thanks to St Mary's, Davyhulme, Manchester
320 July 3rd, 2012323 August 5th, 2012324 August 13th, 2012325 August 23rd, 2012
Harvest Direct
The Oldie, September 2012 issue
324 August 18th, 2012
Until the Cows come Home...
Some basic laws of economics
Socialism: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.
Communism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk,
Bureaucratism: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the rniik away.
Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
An American Corporation: You have 2 cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow dropped dead.
A French Corporation: You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Japanese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. You create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
An Italian Corporation: You have 2 cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A Swiss Corporation: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
Chinese Corporation: You have 2 cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
An Iraqi Corporation: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you and they bomb you. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a democracy.
Counter Culture: 'Wow, dig it, like there's these 2 cows, man, grazing in the hemp field. You gotta have some of this milk!'
Surrealism: You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons...
Fatalist: You have 2 doomed cows...
A Greek Corporation: You had two cows. You borrowed money to buy 10 cows. Now you have no cows, but you owe tax on 100 cows.
Supplied by Rick Walker
Holy in One
The vicar was a fanatical golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The vicar was in a quandary as to what to do, but shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called his curate to tell him that he was sick and could not make it to church, packed the car up, and drove for three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the priest and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at that priest, Lord. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement, but said nothing. The preacher teed up on the first hole, swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away - a picture perfect hole-in-one.
The preacher was amazed and excited. The angel, however, was more than a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "Think about it - who can he tell?"
With thanks to Liz Mackert
Preacher In Full Flow?
The vicar prided himself on his spontaneity. He told a friend that he was able to preach on any subject at a moment’s notice. So the friend challenged him to do so the following Sunday and said he would put a piece of paper with the required subject in the pulpit just before the service.
When sermon time came, the vicar mounted the pulpit and found the slip of paper. It said ‘constipation’. Opening the bible, the vicar said. My text this morning is Exodfs, chapter 34. ‘And Moses took the tablets and went up into the mountain.’
From Vicar Joe’s Religious Joke Book
322 July 27th, 2012
The Higgs Boson
(for once, the editor couldn't think of a silly title..)
A group of physicists were attending a particle physics convention and on the Sunday they decided to attend mass at the local church as it was a fine day and there were no lectures.
As they approached the church they were greeted by the priest who engaged them in conversation, asking where they were from and why they were in the town. They explained and then moved towards the church entrance. The priest held up his hand and said “Does each of you have a Higgs Boson?”
“No”, they replied, “Why would we need a Higgs Boson?
“Well you cannot have mass without one” the priest replied.
Blame Denis Griffiths!
321 July 24th, 2012
Brief Encounter...
A Pope and a lawyer arrived at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St Peter welcomed them both and escorted them to their heavenly accommodation.
The lawyer was shown into a glittering en suite penthouse with all mod cons, celestial satellite TV and magnificent view.
The pope was ushered into a tiny one-room bedsit with a lumpy mattress, a tatty old wardrobe and no view whatsoever.
Not suprisingly, he complained. ‘All my life I’ve devoted to God, and cared for his Holy Catholic Church, and brought you customers,’ he cried. ‘Why am I in such a shabby room while that lawyer has the best accommodation in heaven?’
‘Ah well,’ said St Peter. ‘We have lots of popes here, but this is our very first lawyer...!’
'In the Beginning...'?
The Oldie, of course
319 June 14th
'...in the Belfry?'
Daily Telegraph,
June 13th
318 June 5th
Keep taking the Tablets...
317 June 4th
Digging for Victory
An old priest lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to
plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult
work, as the ground was hard. Amember of his church,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. So the old
priest wrote a letter to his parishioner and described his
predicament:
Dear
Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I
won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm
just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I
know if you were here my troubles would be over. Iknow you would
be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. I
remember you in my prayers! Fr Louis
A few
days later he received a letter from his parishioner. Dear
Fr Louis, Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried. Thanks for your
prayers.Vinnie
At 4 a.m.
the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and
dug up theentire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old priest and left. That same day the
old priest received another letter.
Dear Fr
Louis, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the
best I could do under the circumstances. Vinnie
306 March 10th 2012
The Unwanted 'Witness'?
The Oldie,
again
305
March 9th 2012
The Lisping Vicar...?
The
Oldie
304 March 8th 2012
Marriages
made in Heaven?
